This story could easily have been called Samosa, Ravioli, Pierogi or even Chocolate Chip Cookies or Apple Pie. In other words, it could have been about ANY culture. And I like that. There’s a lot of focus on “diversity” these days, but often, it seems really fake. It’s like, you HAVE to have a white character (usually not ethnic-specific…I mean, where are the characters of say, Italian, Polish or Irish heritage? I don’t see a lot of that, especially Italian or Polish. Sorry, I went to Catholic school for a few years), one black character and another, Asian? And why, with the non-white characters, do they have to emphasize the ethnic/cultural heritages of said characters? Maybe it’s just my circle, but Asians with names like Sophie, Jessica and Michael are more common than names from their ancestral heritages. Many people from my generation can barely read/write their ancestral languages, so why would they only use a cultural name for their child? It rings false to write names out phonetically when you can barely write it (if at all) in its original language if it does not use the roman alphabet (it’s different for a non-Spanish or Italian speaker to name their child Maria). That said, my son has both a “western” name and one in Chinese – one in which I can actually read and write. The latter is not on his official documents. Yet, those involved in adding diversity to books, television shows, movies and so forth seem to be adamant in making it that way. Why? Are children REALLY seeing themselves if it’s done that way? Plus they seem to be very focused on first generation – you know, with parents from the old world.

I think universality, a story like Bao, is much more realistic. It might be presented a certain way, with characters of ONE culture, but it’s easy to relate to if you’re NOT from that background. Think (if you’re NOT looking at something focused on children) My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Diversity isn’t only about seeing/reading about characters that LOOK like you, it’s about characters you can RELATE to. It makes zero sense to me if there’s an Asian character in a book or screen, but they are, I don’t know, a punk rocker who is fifth generation Canadian and has lived on her own since she was 15 years old. I wouldn’t get it. I might find her story interesting, but she has nothing to do with what I can relate to. I probably find more to relate to reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (one of my favourite books, by the way) – Francie Nolan’s determination and drive is what many girls should strive to be like. I can probably relate MORE to a 1950s boarding school student who is a second or third generation student at his school. The problem is, many people who want more diversity don’t seem to understand that. They dismiss that. I see it everywhere. And I think it’s sad.

I’m not saying that it’s not important to have characters from a wide range of ethno-religious-cultural backgrounds, I’m just saying that they shouldn’t always make it so stereotypical, so CULTURE FOCUSED. I actually think that, if not done carefully (like they did in Bao), can send out the wrong message. The longer people are here, the more integrated they become – while still retaining portions of their own culture. I’m not really understanding WHY it’s necessary to discuss and focus ONLY on the first generation. Not every person of ABC heritage knows how to, say, make dishes from that culture, for example. Rather, even if they DID – to an extent – they might include elements of flavours from cultures they grew up with. Something like that would be more relatable to someone whose parents are children of immigrants. Unfortunately, that’s not what publishers likely want. In fact, some diversity activists would say that the author who wrote that book needs to be “decolonized.” However, I think that story has more universality – which IS important in an increasingly diverse world – than focusing on the first generation’s culture. It eventually won’t be realistic. Cultures evolve, even in the old world.

Universality is important, regardless of what the background of a character is. I really can’t understand why the big focus is ONLY on one’s appearance. The tendency to “over-fix” diversity these days becomes too fake, too idealized, and, honestly, annoying. It’s like how I’ve (along with fans of the original) been rolling my eyes at and hate-watching And Just Like That…(you can read my post on the show here). To be honest, I’ve stopped hate-watching. I’m sure you can guess why.

Maybe I just live in a different world. But people have to understand that my so-called “world” is still a kind of reality. And it’s highly unfair to dismiss that. Of course, I’m pretty much preaching to a choir. Because people who speak from this perspective are few and far between. Mostly because we fear being cancelled.

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That wasn’t the only situation. Just a day after the Ramble incident, I noted that I wasn’t a fan of people using the term “Karen” – I said it was sexist, and that in my experience, the worst girls/women weren’t white, but East Asian. They don’t necessarily freak out, but they definitely shame people, especially those of a similar cultural background for not following the culture to a “t” – even if they themselves don’t speak their heritage language fluently (not too different from the pro CCP guy above, right?). In high school, a girl called me a “white girl wannabe,” (was it country music (which wasn’t “typical” of a Toronto girl of ANY ethnicity)? That I was clueless of HK popstars? (I was clueless about non-Asian, non-country musicians as well – save for, say, Alanis or Sarah McLachlan)) and to this day, I worry about what I do/whether I’m “presenting myself” properly. I like being myself. I like being that kale and quinoa eating chick who goes to Pilates, yoga and barre (and being “that chick at Whole Foods” – okay…I don’t do green juices much. I prefer to eat, not drink my salad). However, a few years ago, after asking my cousin about barre classes in Hong Kong, she told me that it was “mostly expats” who took it. While an “expat” would include Asians from other parts of the world, I couldn’t help wondering if she meant “white women.” So despite being Canadian, am I not “honouring” my heritage anymore? Am I doing something wrong because I can’t/don’t make dumplings and have bastardized mooncakes (see my recipe here)? In any case, some people who replied basically accused me of making the situation “worse,” when I was really just giving my own opinion. There are other terms one can use to describe women – people, for that matter – like that (such as “over-privileged brat” – I’ve been called that a few times by some bloggers). Just don’t use someone’s given name.

I’ve also faced some criticism from adoption groups I used to follow. Back when my husband and I were looking to adopt internationally, I tried giving my personal opinion, based on experience, on how to deal with teaching their children about their ancestral cultures. I suggested that it would be nice to find an “uncle” or “auntie” of some sort, someone who was from that culture, BUT was raised in the country they reside. It would be better than, say, immersing them from the perspective of someone who spent their childhood in another country – it’s more realistic this way. I also discussed my experiences growing up (ranging from Chinese school to bullying from people of my ancestral culture, etc…). They just said that things were “different” for me because I actually had parents from that culture. Sure, that’s true, but using books about a certain culture to teach them isn’t the only way. I’ve purchased books myself, for my son, but I’ve found that many are, well…lame. They don’t reflect me. Then there’s virtually ZERO discussion on the situations like the ones I’ve experienced. In fact, they either ignored or dismissed my perspective. Keep in mind that most of these parents have families who’ve been in their respective countries for generations. It’s rare to hear from someone who is either an immigrant, child or grandchild of immigrants. I also didn’t hear many who were from one immigrant (especially non-European) culture and adopting a child from another. How did THEIR parents feel about them adopting? Did they comment or criticize them for teaching their kids about their birth heritages?

Shaming doesn’t just come from strangers or peers. I’m often feeling it from family, especially when it comes to how I’m raising Jr. Mintz. i’d like him to be more plant-based like me, but NOOOOO, I’m getting comments from family, more or less implying that I’m starving him. Sure, he’s thin for his height range, but eating lentils and quinoa as a meal doesn’t make me a bad mom. I get mom-shaming is a different category altogether, but I can’t help but feel that they really mean “why aren’t you giving him congee and the types of foods you had when you were his age?” Someone on a Facebook group recently asked if these family members thought I was losing touch with my heritage/not raising him in “the culture.” I thought about it, and it could very well be. But my culture isn’t really THEIR culture. I was born and raised in Toronto, so my “culture” is influenced by a variety of different ethnicities. And I know that other CBCs don’t exactly give their kids the same types of foods they grew up with either.

The food-related issue sometimes comes from all the comments about cultural appropriation. I’m known to bastardize dishes, to the point that I worry I’m appropriating my ancestral origin! I know that I can’t really call, say, my pumpkin mooncakes, “Chinese” – it clearly ISN’T! But is it Chinese-inspired? Fusion? Or do I have to call it “Jook-sing?” Some of my staple dishes also include baked tofu with mozzarella and tomato sauce as well as fried quinoa. Okay, the latter is pretty standard to many people, so it’s probably not much of an issue…..

My experiences of having been shamed is one of the reasons why I tend to avoid diversity talks. The people who lead these conversations are usually the MOST GUILTY of not taking into account my experiences. They’re the ones who are most likely to dismiss them and even tell me that it’s “all in your head.” Do they realize how that can make another person feel? Have THEY never faced this? And don’t even get me started on size shaming. Ugh…..let’s just say it sucks to be tiny, too. This kind of toxicity has to stop and we need to allow voices like mine out as well. Want to end discrimination of all kind? Well, start here. Start by listening to EVERYONE. Including people like me. It lessens the stress. Everyone’s mental health isn’t exactly that great right now anyway.

Image By GraphicsRF/Shutterstock

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Many eastern cultures, including Chinese (which strongly influenced other countries, including Korea and Vietnam) are collective (meaning it’s about the good of a group of people) rather than individualistic.  One is supposed to conform to what is “normal” (e.g. marrying someone of the opposite sex, regardless of sexual orientation) rather than “being oneself” (e.g. someone who is gay marrying someone of the same sex) because one is “born this way.”  It could even be something simpler, like majoring in, say, history, rather than business or sciences (this was me.  I told my mom that even if I MAJORED in business, I would have ended up working in marketing, advertising or PR rather than finance like my dad (which they never tried pushing for some reason).  Science, especially technology (which my mother, who worked in IT, wanted me to do) was a no-go for me, which they accepted very early on (thank goodness)).  So someone who DOESN’T conform to what is “normal” in the group can feel pressured into doing something he or she doesn’t want to do or be – and that can be stressful.  There’s A LOT of stress to PROVE to people that one is “worthy,” and thus, a “good ______ girl or boy.”  Because we all want to be “good” and not shunned, right?

I would say that I grew up in a loving home.  I was an only child, and thus, had more attention from adults compared to a lot of other kids.  I also grew up in comfortable, safe areas, without any struggle whatsoever.  We, as a family, were not disadvantaged economically or educationally.  However, this doesn’t erase conflict – and most of said issues were not with my parents, but my grandmother.  My maternal grandmother was my primary caregiver and fed me with myths of what a “proper lady” not only SHOULD BE, but should LOOK LIKE.  Okay, fine – every girl has body image issues at some point in her life.  However, very early on, my grandmother told me that I shouldn’t take dance too seriously because it would “make one’s legs ‘fat’.”  At the same time, my mother said I needed more exercise (confusing, no?).  I wasn’t blessed with athletic talent in the team sports area, and being tiny, there really wasn’t much I could do to stay fit outside of individual sports/workouts.  I wasn’t and still am not fat, but I could have been more fit as a child and teen had I not felt guilty about eventually having “fat” legs.  I didn’t realize until much, much later (we’re talking 20-something here!!) on that “fat” actually meant “big” as in muscular.  However, being muscular, at least according to more traditional Chinese culture, was “unbecoming” for a lady – at least for a middle class female (I suppose I should have just been rebellious.  After all, this same woman also told me cooking and cleaning were not “lady-like” either).  I wonder what she’d say about Gal Gadot.

I can’t say that I didn’t LOVE my grandmother – and she really loved ME.  However, what she said to me runs deep, and it took me a very long time – until my early 30s – to become comfortable with a good fitness routine.  I probably still have some issues about whether I’m a “good girl” or not – I certainly did not follow the same career route as my first cousins (nearly all are in finance and one is an MD) and my grades certainly weren’t as high as they could have been when I was in high school.  And while *I* thought majoring in drama (something I loved) and history (with a focus on Chinese/East Asian history – a great way for me to be exposed to my heritage) was good for me, once in a while…a long while…I question myself on whether it WAS.  But it’s not something I think about too much and I have mostly come to terms with this issue.  In fact, I’m very proud of my majors!

I know that there are people out there with more “issues” than me.  Their family may be much more traditional than mine, and thus, have more to deal with.  And it’s no wonder some children of immigrants have mental health issues – all of this can be very stressful.  They also have trouble discussing such issues not only because there aren’t enough services specifically catered to the needs of first generation Canadians (which are often different from immigrants themselves), but because they know that it is “unbecoming” to be open about them or that they feel guilty about “ruining” the family name (yes, some cultures have a stiffer upper lip than the British).  However, like my former issues about becoming fit, these people need to come to terms with not being comfortable and start discussing – who cares what the family thinks, right?  It can be hard – and yes, guilt comes into play – but talking about it can you feel much better.

Hong Kong and Canadian flag image: SLdesign/ShutterStock

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