I’m really glad my son is settling in at his new school so well. He already has what seems is a BFF and we had a play date with him. It was a playground date and we went to meet him and his mother there. My GOODNESS five/nearly-five year old boys have energy. We adults could barely keep up. I think we adults got quite a number of steps/burned QUITE the calories just running after them, making sure they don’t get hurt! My guy LOVES to climb ropes… For more, visit my Substack blog!!!

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This isn’t the only way to become a mom!  However, our society somehow thinks otherwise when it comes to parent/child programs

Because our soon-to-be-born baby is half Asian and half white, random people won’t think anything differently as the child “matches us.”  That’s fine.  But while our family “passes,” to the public, we, ourselves, and anyone who is aware of our journey, know that things aren’t what they seem to be.  And we aren’t alone in this.  Anyone who has used a surrogate (or has adopted) – any heterosexual couple, that is – will likely know the feeling of being “left out” in the vast majority just about anything that is baby-related.

Take parent and baby yoga classes for example.  I’d love to my child to one.  I’d love to be able to meet other parents, new parents, where I could exchange ideas with them and learn new parenting skills (rather than staying home and Googling).  But everything out there focuses on pelvic floor exercises and other things related to giving birth (so what if there is a stay-at-home dad?  Do those exercises really apply to him?).  I get that this is targeting the majority, but I also want to feel comfortable and accepted rather than being an “other” in a group of new moms.  And the fact that I won’t be able to breastfeed if I have a child (I have heard about “adoptive breast feeding” protocols, but frankly, they all scare me and being on medication just doesn’t seem like even THAT is a good idea) may lead to judgment and criticism from others.  I’m not alone in this.  Adoptive parents, like those who have had kids via surrogacy, can experience this as well.  Only gay dads are exempt.

I think it’s time people start opening up their minds and realize there are more ways to start a family than the “old fashioned” way.  And, be realistic about it.  I feel that people say it’s fine, but really, they don’t understand and don’t even try to.  It’s kind of like an “oh yeah, we’ll let you in.  However, what we do is for those of us who had ‘real’ babies.”  In other words, those of us who have been pregnant.  Of course, I shouldn’t speculate when I haven’t yet experienced it WITH a child.  However, having been in the adoption process, and then surrogacy since 2013, I have heard A GREAT DEAL.  And when I try to give my opinion on things, I am often dismissed.  As someone who will never have a child through pregnancy, my experiences are obviously going to be different from the majority, and that should be taken into consideration, even if I’m NOT the majority.

I would love to hear from other parents who have adopted, used a surrogate as well as the partner of female, same-sex couples who wasn’t pregnant (but is acting as the primary caregiver for the child).  What’s your experience?  Do you feel “left out” at times?  Do you feel that society is too “birth parent centric?”

Image By Biscotto87/Shutterstock

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BuzzFeed video featuring immigrant parents and their American-born (or raised) children on pursuing their dreams

I don’t really blame my parents.  I think they just wanted me to be successful, and they probably didn’t really understand the PR world too much at that time.  Now that I’m almost 40 (turning 39 in September), I’ve pretty much given up on a PR career.  Especially in fashion/beauty (because you age out of this.  At my age, you’re either already in, or you’re not.  If not, too bad.  You can’t change NOW).  In any case, I blogged in that world for a few years and never felt that I fit in.  I’m not exactly a super high maintenance sort.  I’ve never coloured my hair (unless you count spray painting for school spirit reasons) and rarely get manicures (I DO get pedicures somewhat frequently, especially in the summer).  My lipstick collection mostly fall in the “safe” colours – nudes, browns and berries, mostly lightweight/creams.  I’ve tried wearing bright red lipstick, but I’ve just never felt comfortable.  Must be all that conditioning at BSS (I mean, I was never, ever the one with uniform violations)!

The video above also discusses what the parents dreamed of doing.  Some of their stories sounded like dreams children often have, like being a firefighter or teacher – because those are the careers kids are exposed to at a young age.  So I’m not surprised that they mentioned them.  I’m also not too surprised at the fact that the parents ideas for their kids.  Many struggled to ensure their children had a comfortable, middle class style upbringing, and worked VERY HARD to do so.  Many worked long hours, whether in a restaurant or in white collar jobs.  While I wouldn’t say my parents “struggled,” – we always had a proper family dinner around 6-6:30 PM – they DID want the best for me.  And that included career choices.  PR just wasn’t an area where I could easily make six figures before the age of 30, unlike banking (anything STEM-related was out after I failed to take any advanced science courses in my final year of high school.  I did take math, so to them, finance was STILL an option).

As for what I’m doing now – I’m pretty happy with my current choice of working in the philanthropy world.  I want to make things better for others – it’s actually one of the reasons why I joined Brownies and Guides as a child and the Junior League as an adult (notice that all three organizations are female-only).  And unlike a decade ago, when I wanted to work in PR, my parents are perfectly fine, even encouraging me in my career.  They really love the idea that I’m helping to improve society.  I think my work with Healthy Minds Canada’s discussion on mental health in East Asian communities really contributed to them changing their minds.  And in the future?  Who knows?  I’m going to continue to write, but my main focus will be related to philanthropy and improving lives of others.

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My husband and I have been trying to start a family for several years.  It started in 2013 when we met with an adoption practitioner to begin the process.  We took classes.  We spoke with adoption agencies.  We waited.  Nothing.  We then looked into surrogacy, which is where we are now.  So far, we have had one chemical pregnancy (basically a very early miscarriage) and two negative embryo transfers (including one double transfer (so three embryos which did not “stick” and one chemical pregnancy)).  It isn’t easy and we are beginning to wonder if the issue is related to the donated embryo, that the sperm donor is a tad bit…old.  We have begun to search for an egg donor, but egg donors of East Asian or Southeast heritage are very difficult to find, proportionate to the Canadian population (it’s the same regarding domestic adoption).  Much of it is cultural stigma, which I’m not really going to get into right now (but if you’re interested, there’s a Globe and Mail article which pretty much explains everything).  I mean, I HOPE we can find someone by the end of January, but there are no guarantees.

I guess starting all over isn’t that bad of a thing.  We will be able to see everything for ourselves, from fertilization to genetic testing to transfer, rather than just the transfer.  We’ll know much more about the genetic makeup of the embryo with testing and understand what chances the embryo has.  We’re likely looking at a spring transfer date, some time after Easter, and hopefully before Mother’s Day.  Maybe we’ll have good news then!  At the same time, we have a so-called “drop dead date” of December 2018 for a transfer as that would mean a September 2019 due date.  I turn 40 in September of 2019 and would like to be a mom by then.  Actually, the drop dead date should really be November 2018 if we want the delivery to be no later than early September 2019.

Will we try adoption again if this doesn’t work?  No.  Waits are long (domestic OR international (and most international countries are closing their doors anyway)) and neither my husband nor I want to be first time parents in our mid-40s.  As for what we’ll do if we don’t become parents:  Well, there’s the possibility of a food tour across Canada, trying various regional specialties.  Or Europe.  But Europe isn’t too stable right now, so the cross-country trip remains much more likely.  Long term, there’s philanthropy work, which is something I’m very interested in.  Perhaps helping underprivileged kids gain access to better education and resources.  Actually, philanthropy work is something which I’ll be doing regardless of whether I become a parent.  But this isn’t a choice.  If nothing works out, we are childfree because of the way things worked out.  Because of circumstance.  It isn’t what we consider “ideal” – or at least not what *I* consider “ideal.”  However, unlike what media and other people are trying to do to convince us, our situation is not by choice.  I would assume that it isn’t for a great many people who are child-free – even if they SAY that they’re child-free by choice.  It’s better to be supportive of our situation rather than offer suggestions we might not want to hear.  Telling us it’s fine not to have kids will only frustrate us more.

Image courtesy of: Andrey Efimcev/Shutterstock

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The show not only focuses on the IVF treatment a Toronto couple goes through, but also criticizes how the so-called “baby industry” is centred around “traditional parenthood” – leaving out MANY families, including same-sex couples and those who adopt.  I suppose it’s easier for same-sex couples, since it is pretty obvious that they’ll need “help” to start a family, but heterosexual couples have to suffer in silence.  And until recently, being open about it was a big no-no.  It’s still considered a bad thing in some cultures – especially my ancestral culture.  So to people in the Chinese community who think I’m airing dirty laundry:  I’m sorry, but this is something which NEEDS TO BE OUT IN THE OPEN.  Infertility isn’t something we should be ashamed of and keeping it to ourselves just makes things worse.  So yes, this is a BIG F-YOU TO THE COMMUNITY.  I know not everyone feels this way, but more do than in other communities.

Anyway, regardless of  culture, it’s still more shameful to have fertility issues than not.  And we have to deal with people giving us unwanted advice on what to do in order to GET pregnant.  Well, maybe the couple has tried everything?  Or maybe there’s a situation like ours, where we’ve known for a LONG TIME that there are health-related issues regarding pregnancy.  And don’t even get started about adoption.  That usually comes from older people who adopted before the mid-90s when adoption was a little easier (I don’t really want to get either, other than to say that it’s something we’re no longer considering.  Otherwise, it’s a WHOLE OTHER POST).

Anyway, I really enjoyed every single episode.  They’re short – no longer than eight minutes – so it’s easy to binge watch.  Anyone who has experienced fertility issue or has gone through IVF or know people who have can completely relate.  I hope they make more episodes (I’m not sure if there’ll be a second season, but they’ve announced that there will be “bonus footage” coming soon) as I’d love to find out more about the couple including other options Jane and Charlie might consider.  Perhaps even surrogacy (since Jane has uterine lining issues), which is what we’re now hoping would give us a family.

Stay tuned for updates on OUR family…..

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