Totally WTF, right?  But this was what my grandmother told me to discourage me from dancing.  I only know one other person who had a family member tell her that and yes, she, too is first generation Canadian with Chinese immigrant family members.  Maybe it’s just misunderstanding, something that was lost in translation, but that’s how we both took it.   And that’s why I never really went too far in dance and didn’t even get back into anything that was closely related until I reached adulthood when no one could tell me what to do.

I was actually told a lot of weird things from family members and like the ballet comment, I’m not sure if it’s just lost in translation.  A lot of it had to do with fitness – I was discouraged from liking gym (and this was probably why I barely passed)!  My parents weren’t nearly as stringent, but my grandmother had much more of an influence on me (besides discouraging fitness, she also didn’t think it was “lady-like” to do housework and I had to beg to be allowed to cook and bake (so I could pass badges for Brownies and Guides)).  Looking back, it might also have to do with differing views on body image.  Having a toned body just didn’t come into play for older Chinese people.  A young woman had to look “delicate” and “delicate” didn’t mean that you had arms like Michelle Obama or a stomach like Gwyneth Paltrow.  This is, of course, not really as much of a cultural issue than generational.  Just watch any beach movie from the 1950s.  Everyone, male or female, looked…flabby by our standards.

Some of the comments did make sense.  My grandmother was big on STEM subjects, before it was a “thing” to encourage girls to take them.  After all, my mom majored in STEM (physics and math) in university and worked in IT back in the 70s, 80s and into the early 90s before deciding to become a stay-at-home mom (I was one of the first kids on the street to get a DOS machine).  I, on the other hand, wasn’t all that interested, no matter how hard my mom tried (she even sent me to computer camp.  I was one of the only kids who couldn’t code).  Did I make a mistake by NOT going into STEM?  Probably not.  I wasn’t much for science and IT, anyway.  If I were to have chosen a more “non-traditional”/traditionally “male” route, I would have probably followed my dad into finance.  Can you see me as an investment banker or portfolio manager?  I do bark at the stock market when I work out (I usually watch HGTV, the Food Network or one of the business channels when I’m at the gym).

But back to the whole legs and fitness thing.  It’s too bad I never had a chance to have my grandmother clarify.  I am sure she wouldn’t be too pleased to find out that both barre and more of a “traditional” ballet drop in class are part of my fitness routine, in addition to weight training and working out on the elliptical (actually, I’m not sure if she’d be pleased that I have a fitness routine, PERIOD).  But I feel so much better than I did when I was doing little.  And I wish I had the guts to tell my grandmother that she was wrong when I was a teenager.  Besides, how on earth are we supposed to stay fit without exercising and gaining muscle?  If we sit on our bottoms all day munching on bon bons, we’re all going to get fat.  And lazy.  And sick.

Did anyone else have grandparents like this?  Do you think it’s generational or cultural?

Image credit: Gergely Zsolnai /Shutterstock

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I have have, for one, been open about not having a genetic child/get pregnant for a long time – probably before most celebrities have started talking.  It was more than just disappointing for me when I found out that it wasn’t a good idea due to various health conditions (so technically, my issue isn’t exactly “infertility” in the traditional sense, which is why I prefer “fertility issues”) when I was just 15, but I learned to accept the case and immediately thought of adoption – even when I was still in high school!  However, as I got older, I learned that adoption was not as easy, especially having experienced the process for years with my husband. We then learned more about IVF (in vitro fertilization), surrogacy and the process in Canada, and decided to give it a try.  We don’t have any news to share yet, but we are still very hopeful.

Chrissy Teigen on her struggles to have a baby (via Harper’s Bazaar)

However, whether it’s adoption, surrogacy (we decided on surrogacy due to other health-related issues), going through treatment for yourself or using third party donors (either eggs, sperm or embryo), it’s something that many still keep a secret – especially if a donor is used (I think some celebrities used donors (especially if they’re older), yet they haven’t said that they did).  I know that in some cultures, having actual genetic links is important (it certainly is in traditional Chinese/Confucian societies), and thus, adopted children are never told about their past.  In fact, when my husband and I were considering adoption – especially because we were looking in an Asian country (Vietnam), my parents even asked me whether we’d be telling them.  We were taught in our adoption preparation class to ALWAYS be open about a child’s past and to share the child’s culture, even if it is similar to your own (or in our case, my side).  And we are using the same rule for our child through surrogacy.  It’s just the right thing to do.  Just by saying something like that makes starting families in ways other than the “traditional” method, shameful thanks to “birth parent privilege” (this is a whole other post.  More on THAT soon).

But at least I’m talking about it.  At least other people are talking about it.  I think there should be more – and yes, celebrities being OPEN are helping.  But I don’t think we should rely on those who are famous to talk about it FIRST.  We should be able to do it on our own.  The struggle to have a family but can’t the “traditional” way shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of, nor should people be criticizing you for doing so.  There’s too much unwanted advice (I’ve heard it all myself, but people tend to quiet down once I tell them I have health issues) out there, not to mention shame.  We don’t, after all, criticize people who, say, have cancer.

Video and image credits:  Video via Harper’s Bazaar and image by Tupungato/Shutterstock

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I find that this perspective often comes from so-called “liberals” who are trying to be very politically correct because they want to ensure that they “understand” other cultures and want to make sure that they’re not offending anyone (these individuals are usually multi-generation Canadians and/or first or second generation with family from the British Isles or France).  What they don’t realize is they are actually doing the opposite.  And are also “othering” these groups, making them feel even more “different.”  Please, people, we aren’t museum exhibits.  We’re people.  These views ALSO come from immigrants, but that’s a bit more understandable (but only if they’re family and only if they’re “of a certain age” if you know what I mean).

We need to be allowed to form our own views and interpretation of culture, food, fashion and so forth based on our personal experiences and what shaped us.  If we didn’t have a grandmother who knew how to cook and was able to teach us how to make cultural foods the “proper” way (rather than boring, comfort food-ish fusiony meals) then we won’t know how to make so-called REAL homemade traditional foods.  Besides, what’s “real” anyway?  There are Chinese diaspora all over the world and not everyone is off the plane from Hong Kong or mainland China.  Some came by way of the Caribbean and haven’t even set foot in East Asia (other than to visit) since the 19th century.  So what of them?  Jamaican-inspired Chinese food is very fusion-y.  So is Hong Kong’s cha chaan teng cuisine (most of it is kind of low end, but you’ll find dishes like baked pork chop and rice and the island’s so-called national drink, Hong Kong milk tea (image below)) Is it fair to criticize them?

All I’m saying is I’m really unsure if I feel comfortable with all of the separation/what someone can can’t do due to appropriation/bastardization these days.  I think it only separates us as individuals and makes immigrants and first generation – especially people who are NOT of British or French descent – more like museum exhibits and objects than human beings.  And sadly, it isn’t JUST multigeneration Anglo/Franco-Canadians feeling this way.  I hear it from people who are no more than two generations off the plane/boat as well.  I’m not sure if it’s just brainwashing or ignorance, but it DOES bother me.  Perhaps I’m just sensitive.

I realize I’ll be heavily criticized for this post, but hey, I’m allowed to voice my opinion, right?  I shouldn’t be considered “stupid” or “ignorant” as I often am in certain Facebook and other online circles, but I often wonder if THEY are the ones who’re not too bright or if they’re just playing devil’s advocate.

First image: By AlexLMX/Shutterstock 

Second image by author, via Prospere Magazine

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Highlights from the Healthy Minds Canada lunch and learn.  The full panel discussion, which is an hour long, can be seen here.

The issue regarding mental health in Asian communities has long been bothering me.  It goes back to the Virginia Tech shootings (2007!), where the shooter was of Korean descent.  They brought up his ethnic background a little, and definitely discussed mental health, but I felt that it was a good time to bring up how SOME cultural communities treat mental health.  I realize ethnicity is always a very sensitive topic – especially when it comes to violent crimes – but I was surprised that very little of it was discussed on news shows.  I have also been told by some family members that depression is not a “real” condition, but merely a “middle class invention.”  Most are from older generations, those who’ve been through the Second World War or those born soon after.  They talk about how the war and subsequent decades – probably until the mid 1960s – meant that there “was nothing to be happy about,” and yet, they survived.  That now that we are so privileged, that we should just “deal with it.”  Really?  We’re just complaining?  Are you SURE you weren’t depressed?  Or for those who lived through the war, suffering from PTSD?  Then there’s immigration, ranging from the stress of adapting to an entirely new country to career issues (e.g. not finding a job in your field) and discrimination.

It isn’t only a problem with the immigrant generation.  Children of immigrants, whether they were born in the west or came as very young children often face conflicting cultural ideals – having to deal with what is acceptable in their heritage culture which may or may not clash with what is considered appropriate in Canada, causing a great deal of stress.  However, it’s just not discussed because it’s not a “problem” that “good East Asian families” face. This “stiff upper lip-ness” is astounding and the very reason why there are problems within the communities.  The hiddeness of the very existence of mental health conditions is very real, and there are studies which show that those of various East Asian backgrounds seek help at worse conditions than those from other cultures.  I’ve brought up the very topic before, but was dismissed each time – until this year when I spoke with Healthy Minds Canada.

I’m really glad I organized the event.  In fact, I felt a great deal of relief immediately after – even if I’m unsure of whether the point REALLY got across.  As I don’t read any East Asian language nor do I watch television in said languages, I am unsure of whether there was any media coverage.  I hope there was.  And I hope to see more people – especially those with a great deal of influence within the community (including celebrities, both here and in the old countries) – open up and say that they’ve had personal experiences.  Only that way will it become more okay.  And only then will these communities start catching up.

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