A few months ago, I was introduced to the Lullaby Project via the University Health Network’s (UHN) Krembil Brain Institute. The purpose of the Lullaby Project’s collaboration with Krembil is to offer mothers living with epilepsy the ability to create lullabies for their kids and also to see how music impacts those living with the condition. All participants were matched up with a songwriter who would create something for them (or another singer) to record. This was done in partnership with Massey Hall/Roy Thomson Hall. The song I recorded (with special thanks to my songwriter, Scarlett Flynn) is called Bug.

I really enjoyed working with Scarlett and recording. It was my first time recording solo at a studio – I had done some recording as a member of the school choir back in high school for a singer who performs for elementary school students (I don’t even remember his name. It wasn’t a big name musician from the kids’ music world like Raffi or Sharon, Lois and Bram). All the choirs in the school, from JK through high school also recorded an album of holiday/Christmas music back in the 90s. But that was done in the chapel, not an actual studio.

Was it nerve-racking? Maybe a little, but like I said, I had a lot of fun!! And I love singing, and really, I should do it more outside of the shower. I haven’t really done much singing since Jr. Mintz was very young. And prior to his birth, I rarely sang. A far contrast from when my high school and university days – especially high school, when I sang in chapel EVERY SINGLE SCHOOL DAY!!!

NOTE: The Lullaby Project is an international program first started in New York through Carnegie Hall’s Weill Institute. The Toronto chapter (??)/program first collaborated with Jessie’s Centre, which helps empower young women/parents, providing them with programs and services to help them, including education, health services and housing support. It later expanded to projects with the Regent Park Community Health Centre and UHN’s Krembil Institute.

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As you probably know, we’ve now moved on to surrogacy.  We were lucky enough to find an embryo of mixed heritage, so the child would “blend in” to the family (more on donation and ethnicity issues in a future post), making it less stressful.  However, not being pregnant and just having a baby “show up” in our family may still lead to questions.  Especially from older people.  My parents have said that we should just be open about this and if people are curious, just answer their questions.  We shouldn’t lie and say that the baby is “adopted” and if people have issues, then too bad for them.  I’m actually very surprised at their support.  I suppose that this being their first (and likely only) grandchild, they have to be very open and supportive.  Or maybe my discussion had them open up.  And I’m glad for it.  I actually don’t know how the parents of other first generation CBCs (Canadian born Chinese) – or other intended parents of East Asian heritage – would feel about this.  I really doubt they’d be as supportive, to be honest.

This is a side of fertility that no one talks about.  Heck, it’s a side of family no one talks about, period.  Perhaps it’s too sensitive.  However, I don’t think it should be.  We talk about ethnic/race issues all the time, but this continues to be ignored.  Why?  Is it because there haven’t been enough people from certain backgrounds talking about it (due to higher stigmatization within said cultures)?  Or is it because we’re being dismissed?  Or maybe we don’t want to seem too politically incorrect (see first paragraph about “matching”).  Whatever reason, I think it’s time to become more open and CRITICAL of one’s culture.  It isn’t wrong and I don’t think it goes against multiculturalism.  Sometimes, we just can’t hold on to the old ways – even if it’s about preserving heritage.

Image courtesy of: ibreakstock/Shutterstock

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I have have, for one, been open about not having a genetic child/get pregnant for a long time – probably before most celebrities have started talking.  It was more than just disappointing for me when I found out that it wasn’t a good idea due to various health conditions (so technically, my issue isn’t exactly “infertility” in the traditional sense, which is why I prefer “fertility issues”) when I was just 15, but I learned to accept the case and immediately thought of adoption – even when I was still in high school!  However, as I got older, I learned that adoption was not as easy, especially having experienced the process for years with my husband. We then learned more about IVF (in vitro fertilization), surrogacy and the process in Canada, and decided to give it a try.  We don’t have any news to share yet, but we are still very hopeful.

Chrissy Teigen on her struggles to have a baby (via Harper’s Bazaar)

However, whether it’s adoption, surrogacy (we decided on surrogacy due to other health-related issues), going through treatment for yourself or using third party donors (either eggs, sperm or embryo), it’s something that many still keep a secret – especially if a donor is used (I think some celebrities used donors (especially if they’re older), yet they haven’t said that they did).  I know that in some cultures, having actual genetic links is important (it certainly is in traditional Chinese/Confucian societies), and thus, adopted children are never told about their past.  In fact, when my husband and I were considering adoption – especially because we were looking in an Asian country (Vietnam), my parents even asked me whether we’d be telling them.  We were taught in our adoption preparation class to ALWAYS be open about a child’s past and to share the child’s culture, even if it is similar to your own (or in our case, my side).  And we are using the same rule for our child through surrogacy.  It’s just the right thing to do.  Just by saying something like that makes starting families in ways other than the “traditional” method, shameful thanks to “birth parent privilege” (this is a whole other post.  More on THAT soon).

But at least I’m talking about it.  At least other people are talking about it.  I think there should be more – and yes, celebrities being OPEN are helping.  But I don’t think we should rely on those who are famous to talk about it FIRST.  We should be able to do it on our own.  The struggle to have a family but can’t the “traditional” way shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of, nor should people be criticizing you for doing so.  There’s too much unwanted advice (I’ve heard it all myself, but people tend to quiet down once I tell them I have health issues) out there, not to mention shame.  We don’t, after all, criticize people who, say, have cancer.

Video and image credits:  Video via Harper’s Bazaar and image by Tupungato/Shutterstock

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It’s an annual tradition! Chocolate from @purdyschocolatier in their Lunar New Year tins! They changed their look this year (can’t read Chinese, so I have no idea what it says).. #yearofthedog #lunarnewyear2018 #chinesenewyear #chocolates #annualtradition #delectablychiclife #purdyschocolate

A post shared by Cynthia Cheng Mintz (@cynthiacmintz) on Feb 3, 2018 at 5:01am PST

Another tradition my husband and I have are New Year’s chocolates.  I never really liked traditional Chinese candies, and when, a few years ago, I saw that mall chocolate chain, Purdy’s sold Lunar New Year themed tins, I was elated.  Sure, it’s not my FAVOURITE brand – I prefer small batch, independent companies like, say, Soma or ChocoSol – but they address a certain demographic, namely people like me who celebrate the Lunar New Year, yet, have zero interest in traditional candies (note:  a local, small batch chocolate maker, David Chow, also makes Lunar New Year chocolates. Definitely a must-try next year!).

This year’s Lunar New Year’s Eve dinner for two

We keep some traditions my parents have passed down to me, like lai see (hong bao in Mandarin – red lucky money envelopes) next each side of our bed, and, of course, the annual Spin of Prosperity Dinner at the CN Tower with my parents.  That is a 30+ year tradition that many people find kind of…odd.  I mean, why would one eat non-Chinese food over the Lunar New Year?  Typically, these comments come from older, non-Chinese individuals who ALSO happen to be children of immigrants.  I just tell people that not everyone follows old school customs, and really, does it even matter?  We’re in a free country and going “by the book” is just too old fashioned.  Perhaps these people are just jealous/resentful that THEIR FAMILIES would get upset if they didn’t follow “rules” as younger adults.  Or that they fear that people like me are diluting/bastardizing/appropriating customs.  WHO CARES???!!!  As long as I’m happy…

Anyway, wishing everyone who celebrates a prosperous, successful and happy Year of the Dog!

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My husband and I have been trying to start a family for several years.  It started in 2013 when we met with an adoption practitioner to begin the process.  We took classes.  We spoke with adoption agencies.  We waited.  Nothing.  We then looked into surrogacy, which is where we are now.  So far, we have had one chemical pregnancy (basically a very early miscarriage) and two negative embryo transfers (including one double transfer (so three embryos which did not “stick” and one chemical pregnancy)).  It isn’t easy and we are beginning to wonder if the issue is related to the donated embryo, that the sperm donor is a tad bit…old.  We have begun to search for an egg donor, but egg donors of East Asian or Southeast heritage are very difficult to find, proportionate to the Canadian population (it’s the same regarding domestic adoption).  Much of it is cultural stigma, which I’m not really going to get into right now (but if you’re interested, there’s a Globe and Mail article which pretty much explains everything).  I mean, I HOPE we can find someone by the end of January, but there are no guarantees.

I guess starting all over isn’t that bad of a thing.  We will be able to see everything for ourselves, from fertilization to genetic testing to transfer, rather than just the transfer.  We’ll know much more about the genetic makeup of the embryo with testing and understand what chances the embryo has.  We’re likely looking at a spring transfer date, some time after Easter, and hopefully before Mother’s Day.  Maybe we’ll have good news then!  At the same time, we have a so-called “drop dead date” of December 2018 for a transfer as that would mean a September 2019 due date.  I turn 40 in September of 2019 and would like to be a mom by then.  Actually, the drop dead date should really be November 2018 if we want the delivery to be no later than early September 2019.

Will we try adoption again if this doesn’t work?  No.  Waits are long (domestic OR international (and most international countries are closing their doors anyway)) and neither my husband nor I want to be first time parents in our mid-40s.  As for what we’ll do if we don’t become parents:  Well, there’s the possibility of a food tour across Canada, trying various regional specialties.  Or Europe.  But Europe isn’t too stable right now, so the cross-country trip remains much more likely.  Long term, there’s philanthropy work, which is something I’m very interested in.  Perhaps helping underprivileged kids gain access to better education and resources.  Actually, philanthropy work is something which I’ll be doing regardless of whether I become a parent.  But this isn’t a choice.  If nothing works out, we are childfree because of the way things worked out.  Because of circumstance.  It isn’t what we consider “ideal” – or at least not what *I* consider “ideal.”  However, unlike what media and other people are trying to do to convince us, our situation is not by choice.  I would assume that it isn’t for a great many people who are child-free – even if they SAY that they’re child-free by choice.  It’s better to be supportive of our situation rather than offer suggestions we might not want to hear.  Telling us it’s fine not to have kids will only frustrate us more.

Image courtesy of: Andrey Efimcev/Shutterstock

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