Episode 1, Part 1:

Episode 1, Part 2:

Episode 2, Part 1

Episode 2, Part 2

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An awaiting/intended parent can sometimes feel like the red playing piece

Sometimes, I feel weird going into baby stores, looking for items.  Salespeople just assume I’m looking for someone else, so they ask if that person was registered with the store.  Ummmm, my husband and I are the ones who registered there (not all of them, we only have one “real” registry.  The other is a third party site where you can add items from different stores).  While most salespeople don’t actually roll their eyes or look surprised, you can tell they find it strange.  I mean, I’m not pregnant.  It’s to the point that sometimes, I first say that I’m adopting – especially around people over a certain age or from certain cultures.

Then there’s the mental health aspect.  I’ve been trying to find post-partum/post delivery programs, ones which are inclusive to those who were not pregnant.  They’re hard to find – even “virtual” ones on Facebook (the ones I’ve found are mostly for people who are waiting their child(ren)’s birth as well as those who are still trying.  I’d like to find ones for those who have already had their kids).  Sometimes, you just want to talk or share experiences.  I mean, you CAN with people who didn’t go through the same thing, but it’s often hard for them to understand.  Like the pressures to breastfeed.  I’m not going to be able to do that (yes, I know all about “adoptive breastfeeding,” but I’m not going there due to my medical condition.  A medical condition on my part is the reason why we didn’t even consider pregnancy in the first place).  And most post-partum programs talk about changes with hormones on the mother’s part (or getting back in shape).  My hormones aren’t experiencing a sudden change like that of a woman who went through pregnancy.  However, the stresses of parenting, especially for the first time, could be there (see my piece on “birth parent privilege“).

I’m not saying that I WILL experience them, but it would be nice if I (or my husband, for that matter) could speak with someone who understands.  It doesn’t have to be a professional, but some guidance on WHERE to find such groups to share these experiences would be very helpful – especially for after the birth.  I’d like to speak with people who have had similar experiences (yes, I realize parenting is parenting, but I don’t want to hear that I’m “lucky” because I don’t have to deal with lactation or hormonal issues.  And being into fitness, I’ve found that all the mom and baby programs focus on post-birth issues (rightly so), so they’re OBVIOUSLY not for me).  I just kind of feel…left out at times.

Image credit: Tero Vesalainen/Shutterstock

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As you probably know, we’ve now moved on to surrogacy.  We were lucky enough to find an embryo of mixed heritage, so the child would “blend in” to the family (more on donation and ethnicity issues in a future post), making it less stressful.  However, not being pregnant and just having a baby “show up” in our family may still lead to questions.  Especially from older people.  My parents have said that we should just be open about this and if people are curious, just answer their questions.  We shouldn’t lie and say that the baby is “adopted” and if people have issues, then too bad for them.  I’m actually very surprised at their support.  I suppose that this being their first (and likely only) grandchild, they have to be very open and supportive.  Or maybe my discussion had them open up.  And I’m glad for it.  I actually don’t know how the parents of other first generation CBCs (Canadian born Chinese) – or other intended parents of East Asian heritage – would feel about this.  I really doubt they’d be as supportive, to be honest.

This is a side of fertility that no one talks about.  Heck, it’s a side of family no one talks about, period.  Perhaps it’s too sensitive.  However, I don’t think it should be.  We talk about ethnic/race issues all the time, but this continues to be ignored.  Why?  Is it because there haven’t been enough people from certain backgrounds talking about it (due to higher stigmatization within said cultures)?  Or is it because we’re being dismissed?  Or maybe we don’t want to seem too politically incorrect (see first paragraph about “matching”).  Whatever reason, I think it’s time to become more open and CRITICAL of one’s culture.  It isn’t wrong and I don’t think it goes against multiculturalism.  Sometimes, we just can’t hold on to the old ways – even if it’s about preserving heritage.

Image courtesy of: ibreakstock/Shutterstock

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I have have, for one, been open about not having a genetic child/get pregnant for a long time – probably before most celebrities have started talking.  It was more than just disappointing for me when I found out that it wasn’t a good idea due to various health conditions (so technically, my issue isn’t exactly “infertility” in the traditional sense, which is why I prefer “fertility issues”) when I was just 15, but I learned to accept the case and immediately thought of adoption – even when I was still in high school!  However, as I got older, I learned that adoption was not as easy, especially having experienced the process for years with my husband. We then learned more about IVF (in vitro fertilization), surrogacy and the process in Canada, and decided to give it a try.  We don’t have any news to share yet, but we are still very hopeful.

Chrissy Teigen on her struggles to have a baby (via Harper’s Bazaar)

However, whether it’s adoption, surrogacy (we decided on surrogacy due to other health-related issues), going through treatment for yourself or using third party donors (either eggs, sperm or embryo), it’s something that many still keep a secret – especially if a donor is used (I think some celebrities used donors (especially if they’re older), yet they haven’t said that they did).  I know that in some cultures, having actual genetic links is important (it certainly is in traditional Chinese/Confucian societies), and thus, adopted children are never told about their past.  In fact, when my husband and I were considering adoption – especially because we were looking in an Asian country (Vietnam), my parents even asked me whether we’d be telling them.  We were taught in our adoption preparation class to ALWAYS be open about a child’s past and to share the child’s culture, even if it is similar to your own (or in our case, my side).  And we are using the same rule for our child through surrogacy.  It’s just the right thing to do.  Just by saying something like that makes starting families in ways other than the “traditional” method, shameful thanks to “birth parent privilege” (this is a whole other post.  More on THAT soon).

But at least I’m talking about it.  At least other people are talking about it.  I think there should be more – and yes, celebrities being OPEN are helping.  But I don’t think we should rely on those who are famous to talk about it FIRST.  We should be able to do it on our own.  The struggle to have a family but can’t the “traditional” way shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of, nor should people be criticizing you for doing so.  There’s too much unwanted advice (I’ve heard it all myself, but people tend to quiet down once I tell them I have health issues) out there, not to mention shame.  We don’t, after all, criticize people who, say, have cancer.

Video and image credits:  Video via Harper’s Bazaar and image by Tupungato/Shutterstock

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My husband and I have been trying to start a family for several years.  It started in 2013 when we met with an adoption practitioner to begin the process.  We took classes.  We spoke with adoption agencies.  We waited.  Nothing.  We then looked into surrogacy, which is where we are now.  So far, we have had one chemical pregnancy (basically a very early miscarriage) and two negative embryo transfers (including one double transfer (so three embryos which did not “stick” and one chemical pregnancy)).  It isn’t easy and we are beginning to wonder if the issue is related to the donated embryo, that the sperm donor is a tad bit…old.  We have begun to search for an egg donor, but egg donors of East Asian or Southeast heritage are very difficult to find, proportionate to the Canadian population (it’s the same regarding domestic adoption).  Much of it is cultural stigma, which I’m not really going to get into right now (but if you’re interested, there’s a Globe and Mail article which pretty much explains everything).  I mean, I HOPE we can find someone by the end of January, but there are no guarantees.

I guess starting all over isn’t that bad of a thing.  We will be able to see everything for ourselves, from fertilization to genetic testing to transfer, rather than just the transfer.  We’ll know much more about the genetic makeup of the embryo with testing and understand what chances the embryo has.  We’re likely looking at a spring transfer date, some time after Easter, and hopefully before Mother’s Day.  Maybe we’ll have good news then!  At the same time, we have a so-called “drop dead date” of December 2018 for a transfer as that would mean a September 2019 due date.  I turn 40 in September of 2019 and would like to be a mom by then.  Actually, the drop dead date should really be November 2018 if we want the delivery to be no later than early September 2019.

Will we try adoption again if this doesn’t work?  No.  Waits are long (domestic OR international (and most international countries are closing their doors anyway)) and neither my husband nor I want to be first time parents in our mid-40s.  As for what we’ll do if we don’t become parents:  Well, there’s the possibility of a food tour across Canada, trying various regional specialties.  Or Europe.  But Europe isn’t too stable right now, so the cross-country trip remains much more likely.  Long term, there’s philanthropy work, which is something I’m very interested in.  Perhaps helping underprivileged kids gain access to better education and resources.  Actually, philanthropy work is something which I’ll be doing regardless of whether I become a parent.  But this isn’t a choice.  If nothing works out, we are childfree because of the way things worked out.  Because of circumstance.  It isn’t what we consider “ideal” – or at least not what *I* consider “ideal.”  However, unlike what media and other people are trying to do to convince us, our situation is not by choice.  I would assume that it isn’t for a great many people who are child-free – even if they SAY that they’re child-free by choice.  It’s better to be supportive of our situation rather than offer suggestions we might not want to hear.  Telling us it’s fine not to have kids will only frustrate us more.

Image courtesy of: Andrey Efimcev/Shutterstock

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