Does feminism REALLY need to be like this?  I thought we were adults!

My brand of feminism is probably seen as dated.  I was in my twenties when Sex and the City was a “thing,” and saw the four women as being the four “ideals” – Miranda was the strong career woman who was a partner in her law firm.  She was the “goal” many girls I knew wanted to get to – the goal to change the world and break the glass ceiling.  It was, in a way, what I wanted to do as well.  Samantha was the one some people secretly wanted to be, but because of what society dictates – that it’s NOT okay for women to sleep around – don’t.  Charlotte (the one whom I identified most with) is the old fashioned one while Carrie kind of rounded them out.  I’m actually not exactly sure how to place her.  She’s not exactly an ambitious career person – she seemed more obsessed with Vogue’s closet than trying to get ahead as a writer.  Yes, that closet is amazing, but I wouldn’t have freaked out THAT much over those Manolo Mary Janes.  #justsayin   But why are people like me being…attacked (even if it isn’t direct)?

I realize that Sex and the City is purely fiction and no one can live the way those ladies did – someone like Carrie wouldn’t even be able to afford to live in Manhattan on a writer’s salary, even back in the late 90s (rent control or not).  At the same time, I also feel today’s feminism can be a little bully-ish, and anyone who doesn’t fit that mold of the angry woman who wants to change society, just shouldn’t exist (I thought we were over that.  I thought we just wanted to change society, PERIOD, but not tell people off if they think differently (even if they, too, want to make changes – perhaps the SAME changes YOU WANT).  Sure, most people aren’t going to tell anyone to their faces, but the current anti-girly, anti-princess philosophy just doesn’t seem to make mainstream feminism too welcoming.  And if we’re going to talk about intersectionalism, we can’t just include CERTAIN stories.  We need to include ALL STORIES.  And you want to be angry?  Be angry at society, not at individuals, or even small groups of people (how childish to do so).

If you don’t believe me, just take a look at mainstream publications.  Only certain voices with certain experiences are being published, or are published MORE OFTEN.  It’s actually WORSE when you want to talk about ethnic diversity and feminism because apparently, being East Asian only matters if you are, say, talking about name discrimination (i.e. your name not only brands you as female (like mine), but your last name (like my maiden name) brands you as “ethnic”).  Apparently, my opinion on fertility – especially third party fertility – isn’t worth the talk.

I understand that my views on fertility and running into issues as someone of Asian heritage puts me in a spot where even FEWER people can relate to me, but it that’s not the only thing that needs to be acknowledged.  Besides, fertility IS a feminist issue, period.  It’s just that it’s more of an issue for some than others due to stigmatization being worse in certain cultures (and it has NOTHING to do with systemic racism, but traditional culture in the “old country,” PERIOD).  But this post isn’t about fertility.  It’s about being shamed for having certain beliefs.

So what else am I talking about?  Issues like promoting ONLY STEM-related subjects for girls/women.  Yes, it’s VERY IMPORTANT for gender balance in diversity in the IT world.  We NEED more women in that area.  But there are also OTHER industries which are still very male dominated.  Yet, they do not get much mention.  What about finance?  What about the trades?  And certain areas in healthcare as well.  Others?  Well, many feminists act as if women who focus on more “traditional” roles are “lesser-than.”  Like those of us who prefer make-up and dresses.  It’s as if we are holding people back.  Are we?  Can’t we be both?  What’s wrong with wanting to wear dresses and make-up, yet, still, say, teach physics?  And is Barbie REALLY that bad?  She’s held every career known to humankind and allows for imagination.  Sure, her figure is fake – or at least the original Barbie’s figure is fake, but being ALLOWED to have careers, to use one’s imagination to create things.  Of course, the key is to expose kids to various industries.  I don’t think you need to necessarily have role models who “look” like you.  My pediatrician was female, but she wasn’t Asian.  I knew girls could grow up to be doctors early on, but never questioned that I couldn’t because of my ethnic background.  I didn’t even know TO question my ethnic background for most careers (I only wondered when I realized there were lack of roles for Asians in the west) until the internet came along.  And even now, I wonder if I was SUPPOSED TO.

So why are my views wrong?  Because it isn’t how one is “supposed” to think?  What is this supposed to mean, anyway?  Why do people scoff at this?  It’s as if I’m some sort of right wing conservative – I am NOT.  Not even close.  Seriously, people, if we want to get ANYTHING DONE, we have to stop acting like we’re in Grade 7.  Cliques are SO OVER.

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Totally WTF, right?  But this was what my grandmother told me to discourage me from dancing.  I only know one other person who had a family member tell her that and yes, she, too is first generation Canadian with Chinese immigrant family members.  Maybe it’s just misunderstanding, something that was lost in translation, but that’s how we both took it.   And that’s why I never really went too far in dance and didn’t even get back into anything that was closely related until I reached adulthood when no one could tell me what to do.

I was actually told a lot of weird things from family members and like the ballet comment, I’m not sure if it’s just lost in translation.  A lot of it had to do with fitness – I was discouraged from liking gym (and this was probably why I barely passed)!  My parents weren’t nearly as stringent, but my grandmother had much more of an influence on me (besides discouraging fitness, she also didn’t think it was “lady-like” to do housework and I had to beg to be allowed to cook and bake (so I could pass badges for Brownies and Guides)).  Looking back, it might also have to do with differing views on body image.  Having a toned body just didn’t come into play for older Chinese people.  A young woman had to look “delicate” and “delicate” didn’t mean that you had arms like Michelle Obama or a stomach like Gwyneth Paltrow.  This is, of course, not really as much of a cultural issue than generational.  Just watch any beach movie from the 1950s.  Everyone, male or female, looked…flabby by our standards.

Some of the comments did make sense.  My grandmother was big on STEM subjects, before it was a “thing” to encourage girls to take them.  After all, my mom majored in STEM (physics and math) in university and worked in IT back in the 70s, 80s and into the early 90s before deciding to become a stay-at-home mom (I was one of the first kids on the street to get a DOS machine).  I, on the other hand, wasn’t all that interested, no matter how hard my mom tried (she even sent me to computer camp.  I was one of the only kids who couldn’t code).  Did I make a mistake by NOT going into STEM?  Probably not.  I wasn’t much for science and IT, anyway.  If I were to have chosen a more “non-traditional”/traditionally “male” route, I would have probably followed my dad into finance.  Can you see me as an investment banker or portfolio manager?  I do bark at the stock market when I work out (I usually watch HGTV, the Food Network or one of the business channels when I’m at the gym).

But back to the whole legs and fitness thing.  It’s too bad I never had a chance to have my grandmother clarify.  I am sure she wouldn’t be too pleased to find out that both barre and more of a “traditional” ballet drop in class are part of my fitness routine, in addition to weight training and working out on the elliptical (actually, I’m not sure if she’d be pleased that I have a fitness routine, PERIOD).  But I feel so much better than I did when I was doing little.  And I wish I had the guts to tell my grandmother that she was wrong when I was a teenager.  Besides, how on earth are we supposed to stay fit without exercising and gaining muscle?  If we sit on our bottoms all day munching on bon bons, we’re all going to get fat.  And lazy.  And sick.

Did anyone else have grandparents like this?  Do you think it’s generational or cultural?

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