Baby Mintz is two weeks old and is slowly learning how to be a baby (technically, he’s 37 weeks gestation, don’t forget – his actual due date is November 18).  He was having a lot of trouble with the bottle for several days and the hospital wouldn’t let him go home until he could be on full time for 48 hours.  It took him until Wednesday to start grasping the idea of taking a bottle for food (rather than a feeding tube) and we were able to go home on Friday.  Thank goodness!  I just can’t deal with hospitals anymore.  At least we didn’t stopped having to commute to St. Catharines after the third day AND the Toronto hospital was subway accessible (though not our first choice).  We are, however, very glad to have him home and look forward to spending much more time with him.  Meanwhile, there’s MUCH MORE TO DO (e.g. making doctor’s appointments, looking for parent/baby programs – especially ones WELCOMING to parents who were never pregnant).  I’ve also contacted two preschools (yes, I’m thinking that far in advance).

We’re glad we can spend much, much more time with him and caring for him in an environment which we find much more comfortable.  My parents have been in daily to visit their grandson (and still getting used to being known as Poh Poh (my mom) and Gung Gung (my dad)).  Adam’s parents will be coming in a few weeks.  We’re going to be at this for the rest of our lives!

My husband and I would like to thank the staff at both St. Catharines General and Toronto East Hospital for their kindness and effort in caring for Baby Mintz and for showing us what to do!  We were completely clueless (okay, maybe not CLUELESS – I’ve cared for children before – just not newborns) at the beginning and we’re slowly getting the hang of it now.

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An awaiting/intended parent can sometimes feel like the red playing piece

Sometimes, I feel weird going into baby stores, looking for items.  Salespeople just assume I’m looking for someone else, so they ask if that person was registered with the store.  Ummmm, my husband and I are the ones who registered there (not all of them, we only have one “real” registry.  The other is a third party site where you can add items from different stores).  While most salespeople don’t actually roll their eyes or look surprised, you can tell they find it strange.  I mean, I’m not pregnant.  It’s to the point that sometimes, I first say that I’m adopting – especially around people over a certain age or from certain cultures.

Then there’s the mental health aspect.  I’ve been trying to find post-partum/post delivery programs, ones which are inclusive to those who were not pregnant.  They’re hard to find – even “virtual” ones on Facebook (the ones I’ve found are mostly for people who are waiting their child(ren)’s birth as well as those who are still trying.  I’d like to find ones for those who have already had their kids).  Sometimes, you just want to talk or share experiences.  I mean, you CAN with people who didn’t go through the same thing, but it’s often hard for them to understand.  Like the pressures to breastfeed.  I’m not going to be able to do that (yes, I know all about “adoptive breastfeeding,” but I’m not going there due to my medical condition.  A medical condition on my part is the reason why we didn’t even consider pregnancy in the first place).  And most post-partum programs talk about changes with hormones on the mother’s part (or getting back in shape).  My hormones aren’t experiencing a sudden change like that of a woman who went through pregnancy.  However, the stresses of parenting, especially for the first time, could be there (see my piece on “birth parent privilege“).

I’m not saying that I WILL experience them, but it would be nice if I (or my husband, for that matter) could speak with someone who understands.  It doesn’t have to be a professional, but some guidance on WHERE to find such groups to share these experiences would be very helpful – especially for after the birth.  I’d like to speak with people who have had similar experiences (yes, I realize parenting is parenting, but I don’t want to hear that I’m “lucky” because I don’t have to deal with lactation or hormonal issues.  And being into fitness, I’ve found that all the mom and baby programs focus on post-birth issues (rightly so), so they’re OBVIOUSLY not for me).  I just kind of feel…left out at times.

Image credit: Tero Vesalainen/Shutterstock

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This isn’t the only way to become a mom!  However, our society somehow thinks otherwise when it comes to parent/child programs

Because our soon-to-be-born baby is half Asian and half white, random people won’t think anything differently as the child “matches us.”  That’s fine.  But while our family “passes,” to the public, we, ourselves, and anyone who is aware of our journey, know that things aren’t what they seem to be.  And we aren’t alone in this.  Anyone who has used a surrogate (or has adopted) – any heterosexual couple, that is – will likely know the feeling of being “left out” in the vast majority just about anything that is baby-related.

Take parent and baby yoga classes for example.  I’d love to my child to one.  I’d love to be able to meet other parents, new parents, where I could exchange ideas with them and learn new parenting skills (rather than staying home and Googling).  But everything out there focuses on pelvic floor exercises and other things related to giving birth (so what if there is a stay-at-home dad?  Do those exercises really apply to him?).  I get that this is targeting the majority, but I also want to feel comfortable and accepted rather than being an “other” in a group of new moms.  And the fact that I won’t be able to breastfeed if I have a child (I have heard about “adoptive breast feeding” protocols, but frankly, they all scare me and being on medication just doesn’t seem like even THAT is a good idea) may lead to judgment and criticism from others.  I’m not alone in this.  Adoptive parents, like those who have had kids via surrogacy, can experience this as well.  Only gay dads are exempt.

I think it’s time people start opening up their minds and realize there are more ways to start a family than the “old fashioned” way.  And, be realistic about it.  I feel that people say it’s fine, but really, they don’t understand and don’t even try to.  It’s kind of like an “oh yeah, we’ll let you in.  However, what we do is for those of us who had ‘real’ babies.”  In other words, those of us who have been pregnant.  Of course, I shouldn’t speculate when I haven’t yet experienced it WITH a child.  However, having been in the adoption process, and then surrogacy since 2013, I have heard A GREAT DEAL.  And when I try to give my opinion on things, I am often dismissed.  As someone who will never have a child through pregnancy, my experiences are obviously going to be different from the majority, and that should be taken into consideration, even if I’m NOT the majority.

I would love to hear from other parents who have adopted, used a surrogate as well as the partner of female, same-sex couples who wasn’t pregnant (but is acting as the primary caregiver for the child).  What’s your experience?  Do you feel “left out” at times?  Do you feel that society is too “birth parent centric?”

Image By Biscotto87/Shutterstock

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As you probably know, we’ve now moved on to surrogacy.  We were lucky enough to find an embryo of mixed heritage, so the child would “blend in” to the family (more on donation and ethnicity issues in a future post), making it less stressful.  However, not being pregnant and just having a baby “show up” in our family may still lead to questions.  Especially from older people.  My parents have said that we should just be open about this and if people are curious, just answer their questions.  We shouldn’t lie and say that the baby is “adopted” and if people have issues, then too bad for them.  I’m actually very surprised at their support.  I suppose that this being their first (and likely only) grandchild, they have to be very open and supportive.  Or maybe my discussion had them open up.  And I’m glad for it.  I actually don’t know how the parents of other first generation CBCs (Canadian born Chinese) – or other intended parents of East Asian heritage – would feel about this.  I really doubt they’d be as supportive, to be honest.

This is a side of fertility that no one talks about.  Heck, it’s a side of family no one talks about, period.  Perhaps it’s too sensitive.  However, I don’t think it should be.  We talk about ethnic/race issues all the time, but this continues to be ignored.  Why?  Is it because there haven’t been enough people from certain backgrounds talking about it (due to higher stigmatization within said cultures)?  Or is it because we’re being dismissed?  Or maybe we don’t want to seem too politically incorrect (see first paragraph about “matching”).  Whatever reason, I think it’s time to become more open and CRITICAL of one’s culture.  It isn’t wrong and I don’t think it goes against multiculturalism.  Sometimes, we just can’t hold on to the old ways – even if it’s about preserving heritage.

Image courtesy of: ibreakstock/Shutterstock

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I have have, for one, been open about not having a genetic child/get pregnant for a long time – probably before most celebrities have started talking.  It was more than just disappointing for me when I found out that it wasn’t a good idea due to various health conditions (so technically, my issue isn’t exactly “infertility” in the traditional sense, which is why I prefer “fertility issues”) when I was just 15, but I learned to accept the case and immediately thought of adoption – even when I was still in high school!  However, as I got older, I learned that adoption was not as easy, especially having experienced the process for years with my husband. We then learned more about IVF (in vitro fertilization), surrogacy and the process in Canada, and decided to give it a try.  We don’t have any news to share yet, but we are still very hopeful.

Chrissy Teigen on her struggles to have a baby (via Harper’s Bazaar)

However, whether it’s adoption, surrogacy (we decided on surrogacy due to other health-related issues), going through treatment for yourself or using third party donors (either eggs, sperm or embryo), it’s something that many still keep a secret – especially if a donor is used (I think some celebrities used donors (especially if they’re older), yet they haven’t said that they did).  I know that in some cultures, having actual genetic links is important (it certainly is in traditional Chinese/Confucian societies), and thus, adopted children are never told about their past.  In fact, when my husband and I were considering adoption – especially because we were looking in an Asian country (Vietnam), my parents even asked me whether we’d be telling them.  We were taught in our adoption preparation class to ALWAYS be open about a child’s past and to share the child’s culture, even if it is similar to your own (or in our case, my side).  And we are using the same rule for our child through surrogacy.  It’s just the right thing to do.  Just by saying something like that makes starting families in ways other than the “traditional” method, shameful thanks to “birth parent privilege” (this is a whole other post.  More on THAT soon).

But at least I’m talking about it.  At least other people are talking about it.  I think there should be more – and yes, celebrities being OPEN are helping.  But I don’t think we should rely on those who are famous to talk about it FIRST.  We should be able to do it on our own.  The struggle to have a family but can’t the “traditional” way shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of, nor should people be criticizing you for doing so.  There’s too much unwanted advice (I’ve heard it all myself, but people tend to quiet down once I tell them I have health issues) out there, not to mention shame.  We don’t, after all, criticize people who, say, have cancer.

Video and image credits:  Video via Harper’s Bazaar and image by Tupungato/Shutterstock

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The show not only focuses on the IVF treatment a Toronto couple goes through, but also criticizes how the so-called “baby industry” is centred around “traditional parenthood” – leaving out MANY families, including same-sex couples and those who adopt.  I suppose it’s easier for same-sex couples, since it is pretty obvious that they’ll need “help” to start a family, but heterosexual couples have to suffer in silence.  And until recently, being open about it was a big no-no.  It’s still considered a bad thing in some cultures – especially my ancestral culture.  So to people in the Chinese community who think I’m airing dirty laundry:  I’m sorry, but this is something which NEEDS TO BE OUT IN THE OPEN.  Infertility isn’t something we should be ashamed of and keeping it to ourselves just makes things worse.  So yes, this is a BIG F-YOU TO THE COMMUNITY.  I know not everyone feels this way, but more do than in other communities.

Anyway, regardless of  culture, it’s still more shameful to have fertility issues than not.  And we have to deal with people giving us unwanted advice on what to do in order to GET pregnant.  Well, maybe the couple has tried everything?  Or maybe there’s a situation like ours, where we’ve known for a LONG TIME that there are health-related issues regarding pregnancy.  And don’t even get started about adoption.  That usually comes from older people who adopted before the mid-90s when adoption was a little easier (I don’t really want to get either, other than to say that it’s something we’re no longer considering.  Otherwise, it’s a WHOLE OTHER POST).

Anyway, I really enjoyed every single episode.  They’re short – no longer than eight minutes – so it’s easy to binge watch.  Anyone who has experienced fertility issue or has gone through IVF or know people who have can completely relate.  I hope they make more episodes (I’m not sure if there’ll be a second season, but they’ve announced that there will be “bonus footage” coming soon) as I’d love to find out more about the couple including other options Jane and Charlie might consider.  Perhaps even surrogacy (since Jane has uterine lining issues), which is what we’re now hoping would give us a family.

Stay tuned for updates on OUR family…..

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