I have have, for one, been open about not having a genetic child/get pregnant for a long time – probably before most celebrities have started talking.  It was more than just disappointing for me when I found out that it wasn’t a good idea due to various health conditions (so technically, my issue isn’t exactly “infertility” in the traditional sense, which is why I prefer “fertility issues”) when I was just 15, but I learned to accept the case and immediately thought of adoption – even when I was still in high school!  However, as I got older, I learned that adoption was not as easy, especially having experienced the process for years with my husband. We then learned more about IVF (in vitro fertilization), surrogacy and the process in Canada, and decided to give it a try.  We don’t have any news to share yet, but we are still very hopeful.

Chrissy Teigen on her struggles to have a baby (via Harper’s Bazaar)

However, whether it’s adoption, surrogacy (we decided on surrogacy due to other health-related issues), going through treatment for yourself or using third party donors (either eggs, sperm or embryo), it’s something that many still keep a secret – especially if a donor is used (I think some celebrities used donors (especially if they’re older), yet they haven’t said that they did).  I know that in some cultures, having actual genetic links is important (it certainly is in traditional Chinese/Confucian societies), and thus, adopted children are never told about their past.  In fact, when my husband and I were considering adoption – especially because we were looking in an Asian country (Vietnam), my parents even asked me whether we’d be telling them.  We were taught in our adoption preparation class to ALWAYS be open about a child’s past and to share the child’s culture, even if it is similar to your own (or in our case, my side).  And we are using the same rule for our child through surrogacy.  It’s just the right thing to do.  Just by saying something like that makes starting families in ways other than the “traditional” method, shameful thanks to “birth parent privilege” (this is a whole other post.  More on THAT soon).

But at least I’m talking about it.  At least other people are talking about it.  I think there should be more – and yes, celebrities being OPEN are helping.  But I don’t think we should rely on those who are famous to talk about it FIRST.  We should be able to do it on our own.  The struggle to have a family but can’t the “traditional” way shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of, nor should people be criticizing you for doing so.  There’s too much unwanted advice (I’ve heard it all myself, but people tend to quiet down once I tell them I have health issues) out there, not to mention shame.  We don’t, after all, criticize people who, say, have cancer.

Video and image credits:  Video via Harper’s Bazaar and image by Tupungato/Shutterstock

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Highlights from the Healthy Minds Canada lunch and learn.  The full panel discussion, which is an hour long, can be seen here.

The issue regarding mental health in Asian communities has long been bothering me.  It goes back to the Virginia Tech shootings (2007!), where the shooter was of Korean descent.  They brought up his ethnic background a little, and definitely discussed mental health, but I felt that it was a good time to bring up how SOME cultural communities treat mental health.  I realize ethnicity is always a very sensitive topic – especially when it comes to violent crimes – but I was surprised that very little of it was discussed on news shows.  I have also been told by some family members that depression is not a “real” condition, but merely a “middle class invention.”  Most are from older generations, those who’ve been through the Second World War or those born soon after.  They talk about how the war and subsequent decades – probably until the mid 1960s – meant that there “was nothing to be happy about,” and yet, they survived.  That now that we are so privileged, that we should just “deal with it.”  Really?  We’re just complaining?  Are you SURE you weren’t depressed?  Or for those who lived through the war, suffering from PTSD?  Then there’s immigration, ranging from the stress of adapting to an entirely new country to career issues (e.g. not finding a job in your field) and discrimination.

It isn’t only a problem with the immigrant generation.  Children of immigrants, whether they were born in the west or came as very young children often face conflicting cultural ideals – having to deal with what is acceptable in their heritage culture which may or may not clash with what is considered appropriate in Canada, causing a great deal of stress.  However, it’s just not discussed because it’s not a “problem” that “good East Asian families” face. This “stiff upper lip-ness” is astounding and the very reason why there are problems within the communities.  The hiddeness of the very existence of mental health conditions is very real, and there are studies which show that those of various East Asian backgrounds seek help at worse conditions than those from other cultures.  I’ve brought up the very topic before, but was dismissed each time – until this year when I spoke with Healthy Minds Canada.

I’m really glad I organized the event.  In fact, I felt a great deal of relief immediately after – even if I’m unsure of whether the point REALLY got across.  As I don’t read any East Asian language nor do I watch television in said languages, I am unsure of whether there was any media coverage.  I hope there was.  And I hope to see more people – especially those with a great deal of influence within the community (including celebrities, both here and in the old countries) – open up and say that they’ve had personal experiences.  Only that way will it become more okay.  And only then will these communities start catching up.

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