BuzzFeed video featuring immigrant parents and their American-born (or raised) children on pursuing their dreams

I don’t really blame my parents.  I think they just wanted me to be successful, and they probably didn’t really understand the PR world too much at that time.  Now that I’m almost 40 (turning 39 in September), I’ve pretty much given up on a PR career.  Especially in fashion/beauty (because you age out of this.  At my age, you’re either already in, or you’re not.  If not, too bad.  You can’t change NOW).  In any case, I blogged in that world for a few years and never felt that I fit in.  I’m not exactly a super high maintenance sort.  I’ve never coloured my hair (unless you count spray painting for school spirit reasons) and rarely get manicures (I DO get pedicures somewhat frequently, especially in the summer).  My lipstick collection mostly fall in the “safe” colours – nudes, browns and berries, mostly lightweight/creams.  I’ve tried wearing bright red lipstick, but I’ve just never felt comfortable.  Must be all that conditioning at BSS (I mean, I was never, ever the one with uniform violations)!

The video above also discusses what the parents dreamed of doing.  Some of their stories sounded like dreams children often have, like being a firefighter or teacher – because those are the careers kids are exposed to at a young age.  So I’m not surprised that they mentioned them.  I’m also not too surprised at the fact that the parents ideas for their kids.  Many struggled to ensure their children had a comfortable, middle class style upbringing, and worked VERY HARD to do so.  Many worked long hours, whether in a restaurant or in white collar jobs.  While I wouldn’t say my parents “struggled,” – we always had a proper family dinner around 6-6:30 PM – they DID want the best for me.  And that included career choices.  PR just wasn’t an area where I could easily make six figures before the age of 30, unlike banking (anything STEM-related was out after I failed to take any advanced science courses in my final year of high school.  I did take math, so to them, finance was STILL an option).

As for what I’m doing now – I’m pretty happy with my current choice of working in the philanthropy world.  I want to make things better for others – it’s actually one of the reasons why I joined Brownies and Guides as a child and the Junior League as an adult (notice that all three organizations are female-only).  And unlike a decade ago, when I wanted to work in PR, my parents are perfectly fine, even encouraging me in my career.  They really love the idea that I’m helping to improve society.  I think my work with Healthy Minds Canada’s discussion on mental health in East Asian communities really contributed to them changing their minds.  And in the future?  Who knows?  I’m going to continue to write, but my main focus will be related to philanthropy and improving lives of others.

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Many eastern cultures, including Chinese (which strongly influenced other countries, including Korea and Vietnam) are collective (meaning it’s about the good of a group of people) rather than individualistic.  One is supposed to conform to what is “normal” (e.g. marrying someone of the opposite sex, regardless of sexual orientation) rather than “being oneself” (e.g. someone who is gay marrying someone of the same sex) because one is “born this way.”  It could even be something simpler, like majoring in, say, history, rather than business or sciences (this was me.  I told my mom that even if I MAJORED in business, I would have ended up working in marketing, advertising or PR rather than finance like my dad (which they never tried pushing for some reason).  Science, especially technology (which my mother, who worked in IT, wanted me to do) was a no-go for me, which they accepted very early on (thank goodness)).  So someone who DOESN’T conform to what is “normal” in the group can feel pressured into doing something he or she doesn’t want to do or be – and that can be stressful.  There’s A LOT of stress to PROVE to people that one is “worthy,” and thus, a “good ______ girl or boy.”  Because we all want to be “good” and not shunned, right?

I would say that I grew up in a loving home.  I was an only child, and thus, had more attention from adults compared to a lot of other kids.  I also grew up in comfortable, safe areas, without any struggle whatsoever.  We, as a family, were not disadvantaged economically or educationally.  However, this doesn’t erase conflict – and most of said issues were not with my parents, but my grandmother.  My maternal grandmother was my primary caregiver and fed me with myths of what a “proper lady” not only SHOULD BE, but should LOOK LIKE.  Okay, fine – every girl has body image issues at some point in her life.  However, very early on, my grandmother told me that I shouldn’t take dance too seriously because it would “make one’s legs ‘fat’.”  At the same time, my mother said I needed more exercise (confusing, no?).  I wasn’t blessed with athletic talent in the team sports area, and being tiny, there really wasn’t much I could do to stay fit outside of individual sports/workouts.  I wasn’t and still am not fat, but I could have been more fit as a child and teen had I not felt guilty about eventually having “fat” legs.  I didn’t realize until much, much later (we’re talking 20-something here!!) on that “fat” actually meant “big” as in muscular.  However, being muscular, at least according to more traditional Chinese culture, was “unbecoming” for a lady – at least for a middle class female (I suppose I should have just been rebellious.  After all, this same woman also told me cooking and cleaning were not “lady-like” either).  I wonder what she’d say about Gal Gadot.

I can’t say that I didn’t LOVE my grandmother – and she really loved ME.  However, what she said to me runs deep, and it took me a very long time – until my early 30s – to become comfortable with a good fitness routine.  I probably still have some issues about whether I’m a “good girl” or not – I certainly did not follow the same career route as my first cousins (nearly all are in finance and one is an MD) and my grades certainly weren’t as high as they could have been when I was in high school.  And while *I* thought majoring in drama (something I loved) and history (with a focus on Chinese/East Asian history – a great way for me to be exposed to my heritage) was good for me, once in a while…a long while…I question myself on whether it WAS.  But it’s not something I think about too much and I have mostly come to terms with this issue.  In fact, I’m very proud of my majors!

I know that there are people out there with more “issues” than me.  Their family may be much more traditional than mine, and thus, have more to deal with.  And it’s no wonder some children of immigrants have mental health issues – all of this can be very stressful.  They also have trouble discussing such issues not only because there aren’t enough services specifically catered to the needs of first generation Canadians (which are often different from immigrants themselves), but because they know that it is “unbecoming” to be open about them or that they feel guilty about “ruining” the family name (yes, some cultures have a stiffer upper lip than the British).  However, like my former issues about becoming fit, these people need to come to terms with not being comfortable and start discussing – who cares what the family thinks, right?  It can be hard – and yes, guilt comes into play – but talking about it can you feel much better.

Hong Kong and Canadian flag image: SLdesign/ShutterStock

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