Recently, we celebrated his 100 Days with a dinner at a private club. Yes, we did NOT have a Chinese banquet. This isn’t too unusual with the Canadian generation (as many of us still want to honour heritage), but make changes so that it would be closer to things we like rather than what our parents expect. Of course, sometimes, it isn’t without a fight (my parents were okay with a non-Chinese dinner, but tried to get me to give out REAL red ginger eggs (i.e. hard boiled eggs) rather than egg shaped gingerbread cookies). We had about 45 people, made up of family and close friends dining on a buffet dinner of beef, fish, pasta and more.

I’m sure some of my parents’ friends were a little critical, but they definitely didn’t show it. They were polite and really enjoyed themselves. I’m also sure that outsiders looking in might find it odd as well. Usually these people come in the form of overly politically correct individuals who love to write about appropriation. I guess you can’t really appropriate your own heritage, but you sure as heck can bastardardize it. Would those egg-shaped gingerbread cookies be bastardization? To some, yes (though the bakery I ordered from thought it was a pretty cool twist on tradition). Someone I spoke with recently said fusion cuisine was “ruining” cultures and that one shouldn’t be “messing” with culture. If that’s the case, then I’ve been guilty many times over (see my cheddar mooncakes) and celebrity chefs like Susur Lee are even MORE guilty. Why is it wrong, anyway?

Many cuisines are twists. Hong Kong milk tea (black tea with condensed or evaporated milk and sugar) is a twist. So is yeen yeung (Hong Kong milk tea with drip coffee. Basically a simplified dirty chai). Most cha chaan teng dishes are twists on western cuisine. We don’t consider it “fusion” as it’s very low bar, diner/greasy spoon types of cuisine. It’s kind of “reverse” North American Chinese food. Fusion cuisine is very class-based. And yes, I find it sad that the over politically-correct find it wrong. Is it a millennial thing to correct the past? We can’t do that. We can only discuss why we think views of the past were wrong in our context and why we need to overcome what was done. We can’t erase it and expect all of us to do things the old way. What if we don’t want to?

I really don’t want to raise my son in a world of such hostility. I’m already feeling it myself and it’s extremely stressful. In fact, it’s ignorant to expect a child of immigrants to ONLY adhere to the old culture and do things the “old world” way if we are living in 2019 and exposed to many different cultures (especially when you’re living in a city like Toronto). Diversity is important, but we can’t sort and separate different cultures into different boxes. That’s called segregation and I thought that ended a long, long time ago. You sort and organize, say, socks. You don’t Kondo people or cultures. Cultures also change overtime. And I think so-called “diversity experts” don’t quite understand this. Fusion is cool.

What are your views on this? Was what I did “wrong?” Should I have done this the “traditional” way?

The post Twisting Tradition: Bastardization or Not? appeared first on Cynthia C. Mintz.

This isn’t the only way to become a mom!  However, our society somehow thinks otherwise when it comes to parent/child programs

Because our soon-to-be-born baby is half Asian and half white, random people won’t think anything differently as the child “matches us.”  That’s fine.  But while our family “passes,” to the public, we, ourselves, and anyone who is aware of our journey, know that things aren’t what they seem to be.  And we aren’t alone in this.  Anyone who has used a surrogate (or has adopted) – any heterosexual couple, that is – will likely know the feeling of being “left out” in the vast majority just about anything that is baby-related.

Take parent and baby yoga classes for example.  I’d love to my child to one.  I’d love to be able to meet other parents, new parents, where I could exchange ideas with them and learn new parenting skills (rather than staying home and Googling).  But everything out there focuses on pelvic floor exercises and other things related to giving birth (so what if there is a stay-at-home dad?  Do those exercises really apply to him?).  I get that this is targeting the majority, but I also want to feel comfortable and accepted rather than being an “other” in a group of new moms.  And the fact that I won’t be able to breastfeed if I have a child (I have heard about “adoptive breast feeding” protocols, but frankly, they all scare me and being on medication just doesn’t seem like even THAT is a good idea) may lead to judgment and criticism from others.  I’m not alone in this.  Adoptive parents, like those who have had kids via surrogacy, can experience this as well.  Only gay dads are exempt.

I think it’s time people start opening up their minds and realize there are more ways to start a family than the “old fashioned” way.  And, be realistic about it.  I feel that people say it’s fine, but really, they don’t understand and don’t even try to.  It’s kind of like an “oh yeah, we’ll let you in.  However, what we do is for those of us who had ‘real’ babies.”  In other words, those of us who have been pregnant.  Of course, I shouldn’t speculate when I haven’t yet experienced it WITH a child.  However, having been in the adoption process, and then surrogacy since 2013, I have heard A GREAT DEAL.  And when I try to give my opinion on things, I am often dismissed.  As someone who will never have a child through pregnancy, my experiences are obviously going to be different from the majority, and that should be taken into consideration, even if I’m NOT the majority.

I would love to hear from other parents who have adopted, used a surrogate as well as the partner of female, same-sex couples who wasn’t pregnant (but is acting as the primary caregiver for the child).  What’s your experience?  Do you feel “left out” at times?  Do you feel that society is too “birth parent centric?”

Image By Biscotto87/Shutterstock

The post Check Your ‘Birth Parent Privilege,’ Please! appeared first on Cynthia C. Mintz.

My husband and I have been trying to start a family for several years.  It started in 2013 when we met with an adoption practitioner to begin the process.  We took classes.  We spoke with adoption agencies.  We waited.  Nothing.  We then looked into surrogacy, which is where we are now.  So far, we have had one chemical pregnancy (basically a very early miscarriage) and two negative embryo transfers (including one double transfer (so three embryos which did not “stick” and one chemical pregnancy)).  It isn’t easy and we are beginning to wonder if the issue is related to the donated embryo, that the sperm donor is a tad bit…old.  We have begun to search for an egg donor, but egg donors of East Asian or Southeast heritage are very difficult to find, proportionate to the Canadian population (it’s the same regarding domestic adoption).  Much of it is cultural stigma, which I’m not really going to get into right now (but if you’re interested, there’s a Globe and Mail article which pretty much explains everything).  I mean, I HOPE we can find someone by the end of January, but there are no guarantees.

I guess starting all over isn’t that bad of a thing.  We will be able to see everything for ourselves, from fertilization to genetic testing to transfer, rather than just the transfer.  We’ll know much more about the genetic makeup of the embryo with testing and understand what chances the embryo has.  We’re likely looking at a spring transfer date, some time after Easter, and hopefully before Mother’s Day.  Maybe we’ll have good news then!  At the same time, we have a so-called “drop dead date” of December 2018 for a transfer as that would mean a September 2019 due date.  I turn 40 in September of 2019 and would like to be a mom by then.  Actually, the drop dead date should really be November 2018 if we want the delivery to be no later than early September 2019.

Will we try adoption again if this doesn’t work?  No.  Waits are long (domestic OR international (and most international countries are closing their doors anyway)) and neither my husband nor I want to be first time parents in our mid-40s.  As for what we’ll do if we don’t become parents:  Well, there’s the possibility of a food tour across Canada, trying various regional specialties.  Or Europe.  But Europe isn’t too stable right now, so the cross-country trip remains much more likely.  Long term, there’s philanthropy work, which is something I’m very interested in.  Perhaps helping underprivileged kids gain access to better education and resources.  Actually, philanthropy work is something which I’ll be doing regardless of whether I become a parent.  But this isn’t a choice.  If nothing works out, we are childfree because of the way things worked out.  Because of circumstance.  It isn’t what we consider “ideal” – or at least not what *I* consider “ideal.”  However, unlike what media and other people are trying to do to convince us, our situation is not by choice.  I would assume that it isn’t for a great many people who are child-free – even if they SAY that they’re child-free by choice.  It’s better to be supportive of our situation rather than offer suggestions we might not want to hear.  Telling us it’s fine not to have kids will only frustrate us more.

Image courtesy of: Andrey Efimcev/Shutterstock

The post Frustrations of Being Child-Free by Circumstance appeared first on Cynthia C. Mintz.