By now, you probably know that we are having a baby via surrogate. We decided long ago that we will be very open about how our son or daughter came into our lives, but it’s been very difficult to find good resources. Most bookstores carry the standard age-appropriate reproduction books (since kids often ask about where babies come from early on in their lives), but it usually focuses on traditional, heterosexual married couples as parents. It’s 2018, and really, time to move on and expand. There is SO MUCH “birth parent privilege” out there. Actually, it’s not just “birth parent privilege,” but “traditional parent privilege,” at least for straight couples and families.
This isn’t the only way to become a mom! However, our society somehow thinks otherwise when it comes to parent/child programs
Because our soon-to-be-born baby is half Asian and half white, random people won’t think anything differently as the child “matches us.” That’s fine. But while our family “passes,” to the public, we, ourselves, and anyone who is aware of our journey, know that things aren’t what they seem to be. And we aren’t alone in this. Anyone who has used a surrogate (or has adopted) – any heterosexual couple, that is – will likely know the feeling of being “left out” in the vast majority just about anything that is baby-related.
Take parent and baby yoga classes for example. I’d love to my child to one. I’d love to be able to meet other parents, new parents, where I could exchange ideas with them and learn new parenting skills (rather than staying home and Googling). But everything out there focuses on pelvic floor exercises and other things related to giving birth (so what if there is a stay-at-home dad? Do those exercises really apply to him?). I get that this is targeting the majority, but I also want to feel comfortable and accepted rather than being an “other” in a group of new moms. And the fact that I won’t be able to breastfeed if I have a child (I have heard about “adoptive breast feeding” protocols, but frankly, they all scare me and being on medication just doesn’t seem like even THAT is a good idea) may lead to judgment and criticism from others. I’m not alone in this. Adoptive parents, like those who have had kids via surrogacy, can experience this as well. Only gay dads are exempt.
I think it’s time people start opening up their minds and realize there are more ways to start a family than the “old fashioned” way. And, be realistic about it. I feel that people say it’s fine, but really, they don’t understand and don’t even try to. It’s kind of like an “oh yeah, we’ll let you in. However, what we do is for those of us who had ‘real’ babies.” In other words, those of us who have been pregnant. Of course, I shouldn’t speculate when I haven’t yet experienced it WITH a child. However, having been in the adoption process, and then surrogacy since 2013, I have heard A GREAT DEAL. And when I try to give my opinion on things, I am often dismissed. As someone who will never have a child through pregnancy, my experiences are obviously going to be different from the majority, and that should be taken into consideration, even if I’m NOT the majority.
I would love to hear from other parents who have adopted, used a surrogate as well as the partner of female, same-sex couples who wasn’t pregnant (but is acting as the primary caregiver for the child). What’s your experience? Do you feel “left out” at times? Do you feel that society is too “birth parent centric?”
Image By Biscotto87/Shutterstock
One Comment