heritage Archives - Cynthia C. Mintz

Fertility and Starting a Family ‘Non-Traditionally’ as a Child of Immigrants

Cynthia Cheng Mintz — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 16:02:34 +0000

When my husband and I were looking into adoption, my dad asked me whether we would be telling our child. I rolled my eyes and told him that of course we would be doing so! The adoption class we took (required for all intended parents in Ontario) told us that being open about the child’s heritage and background was extremely important. There’s no more “you’re part of the XYZ family now, so this is your background.” My parents were seemed very uncomfortable with this – to them, it’s as if we don’t want our son or daughter to truly be part of the family. I don’t really understand this and, to be honest, would be very stressful for us if they only SAY they’re going to be open with our child. Adoption turned out to be difficult for us anyway (no matches after three years, trying both domestic (which we weren’t really thinking would work out anyway, due to our mixed ethnic and faith marriage (more on that another time)) and many doors were closed to us in Asia (many due to health reasons on my part). People have asked us why we won’t consider other countries in, say, Africa. Or even the United States. The unfortunate issue is this: I’ve found that people from my background are more likely to openly point out kids that don’t “match” a family (i.e. transracially adopted kids) than, say, Anglo-Canadians. The issue is this: bloodlines are of importance in Chinese (and many other East Asian) cultures, so a child who “blends in” with a family, visibly speaking, anyway, wouldn’t be openly talked about. Yes, many people – especially the older generations – would openly point out kids who don’t “match” their parents. And I’m talking about in Canada. I can’t have a child grow up in such a hostile environment.

As you probably know, we’ve now moved on to surrogacy. We were lucky enough to find an embryo of mixed heritage, so the child would “blend in” to the family (more on donation and ethnicity issues in a future post), making it less stressful. However, not being pregnant and just having a baby “show up” in our family may still lead to questions. Especially from older people. My parents have said that we should just be open about this and if people are curious, just answer their questions. We shouldn’t lie and say that the baby is “adopted” and if people have issues, then too bad for them. I’m actually very surprised at their support. I suppose that this being their first (and likely only) grandchild, they have to be very open and supportive. Or maybe my discussion had them open up. And I’m glad for it. I actually don’t know how the parents of other first generation CBCs (Canadian born Chinese) – or other intended parents of East Asian heritage – would feel about this. I really doubt they’d be as supportive, to be honest.

This is a side of fertility that no one talks about. Heck, it’s a side of family no one talks about, period. Perhaps it’s too sensitive. However, I don’t think it should be. We talk about ethnic/race issues all the time, but this continues to be ignored. Why? Is it because there haven’t been enough people from certain backgrounds talking about it (due to higher stigmatization within said cultures)? Or is it because we’re being dismissed? Or maybe we don’t want to seem too politically incorrect (see first paragraph about “matching”). Whatever reason, I think it’s time to become more open and CRITICAL of one’s culture. It isn’t wrong and I don’t think it goes against multiculturalism. Sometimes, we just can’t hold on to the old ways – even if it’s about preserving heritage.

Image courtesy of: ibreakstock/Shutterstock

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Old Post from ‘DelectablyChic!’: My Grandmother Said Ballet Would Make My Legs Look ‘Fat’

Cynthia Cheng Mintz — Wed, 18 Apr 2018 20:03:24 +0000

Note: This was originally posted on DelectablyChic!

Totally WTF, right? But this was what my grandmother told me to discourage me from dancing. I only know one other person who had a family member tell her that and yes, she, too is first generation Canadian with Chinese immigrant family members. Maybe it’s just misunderstanding, something that was lost in translation, but that’s how we both took it. And that’s why I never really went too far in dance and didn’t even get back into anything that was closely related until I reached adulthood when no one could tell me what to do.

I was actually told a lot of weird things from family members and like the ballet comment, I’m not sure if it’s just lost in translation. A lot of it had to do with fitness – I was discouraged from liking gym (and this was probably why I barely passed)! My parents weren’t nearly as stringent, but my grandmother had much more of an influence on me (besides discouraging fitness, she also didn’t think it was “lady-like” to do housework and I had to beg to be allowed to cook and bake (so I could pass badges for Brownies and Guides)). Looking back, it might also have to do with differing views on body image. Having a toned body just didn’t come into play for older Chinese people. A young woman had to look “delicate” and “delicate” didn’t mean that you had arms like Michelle Obama or a stomach like Gwyneth Paltrow. This is, of course, not really as much of a cultural issue than generational. Just watch any beach movie from the 1950s. Everyone, male or female, looked…flabby by our standards.

Some of the comments did make sense. My grandmother was big on STEM subjects, before it was a “thing” to encourage girls to take them. After all, my mom majored in STEM (physics and math) in university and worked in IT back in the 70s, 80s and into the early 90s before deciding to become a stay-at-home mom (I was one of the first kids on the street to get a DOS machine). I, on the other hand, wasn’t all that interested, no matter how hard my mom tried (she even sent me to computer camp. I was one of the only kids who couldn’t code). Did I make a mistake by NOT going into STEM? Probably not. I wasn’t much for science and IT, anyway. If I were to have chosen a more “non-traditional”/traditionally “male” route, I would have probably followed my dad into finance. Can you see me as an investment banker or portfolio manager? I do bark at the stock market when I work out (I usually watch HGTV, the Food Network or one of the business channels when I’m at the gym).

But back to the whole legs and fitness thing. It’s too bad I never had a chance to have my grandmother clarify. I am sure she wouldn’t be too pleased to find out that both barre and more of a “traditional” ballet drop in class are part of my fitness routine, in addition to weight training and working out on the elliptical (actually, I’m not sure if she’d be pleased that I have a fitness routine, PERIOD). But I feel so much better than I did when I was doing little. And I wish I had the guts to tell my grandmother that she was wrong when I was a teenager. Besides, how on earth are we supposed to stay fit without exercising and gaining muscle? If we sit on our bottoms all day munching on bon bons, we’re all going to get fat. And lazy. And sick.

Did anyone else have grandparents like this? Do you think it’s generational or cultural?

Image credit: Gergely Zsolnai /Shutterstock

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Welcoming the Lunar New Year: Some Traditions in Our Household

Cynthia Cheng Mintz — Fri, 16 Feb 2018 13:00:16 +0000

Happy Lunar New Year! While most people have large family dinners on New Year’s Eve, my husband and I celebrated with our own tradition of ordering in from a neighbouring Chinese restaurant. There are a few dishes we ALWAYS get – stir-fried rice cakes (neen gau), steamed dumplings and sesame seed balls. Sometimes, we’ll also order spring rolls (like this year). In the past, we wouldn’t eat the sesame balls until midnight, but these days, we just aren’t able to stay up that late, so we have one for dessert and another in the morning.

It’s an annual tradition! Chocolate from @purdyschocolatier in their Lunar New Year tins! They changed their look this year (can’t read Chinese, so I have no idea what it says).. #yearofthedog #lunarnewyear2018 #chinesenewyear #chocolates #annualtradition #delectablychiclife #purdyschocolate

A post shared by Cynthia Cheng Mintz (@cynthiacmintz) on Feb 3, 2018 at 5:01am PST

Another tradition my husband and I have are New Year’s chocolates. I never really liked traditional Chinese candies, and when, a few years ago, I saw that mall chocolate chain, Purdy’s sold Lunar New Year themed tins, I was elated. Sure, it’s not my FAVOURITE brand – I prefer small batch, independent companies like, say, Soma or ChocoSol – but they address a certain demographic, namely people like me who celebrate the Lunar New Year, yet, have zero interest in traditional candies (note: a local, small batch chocolate maker, David Chow, also makes Lunar New Year chocolates. Definitely a must-try next year!).

This year’s Lunar New Year’s Eve dinner for two

We keep some traditions my parents have passed down to me, like lai see (hong bao in Mandarin – red lucky money envelopes) next each side of our bed, and, of course, the annual Spin of Prosperity Dinner at the CN Tower with my parents. That is a 30+ year tradition that many people find kind of…odd. I mean, why would one eat non-Chinese food over the Lunar New Year? Typically, these comments come from older, non-Chinese individuals who ALSO happen to be children of immigrants. I just tell people that not everyone follows old school customs, and really, does it even matter? We’re in a free country and going “by the book” is just too old fashioned. Perhaps these people are just jealous/resentful that THEIR FAMILIES would get upset if they didn’t follow “rules” as younger adults. Or that they fear that people like me are diluting/bastardizing/appropriating customs. WHO CARES???!!! As long as I’m happy…

Anyway, wishing everyone who celebrates a prosperous, successful and happy Year of the Dog!

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There’s NOTHING WRONG WITH FUSION!

Cynthia Cheng Mintz — Wed, 20 Dec 2017 16:30:04 +0000

Deal with it, people. I know some people aren’t happy at their “culture” being “bastardized,” and perhaps it is, but as a child of immigrants, I’m angered by this perspective. It’s as if you are saying my culture doesn’t and shouldn’t exist. I was born and raised in Canada. In Toronto. In the multi-cultural Toronto of the 80s and 90s. I’m not completely “culturally Chinese.” Heck, my PARENTS, being from Hong Kong, aren’t exactly culturally “Chinese” if you look at it from a mainland China perspective. It’s not fair, and perhaps even ignorant, to say that fusion cuisine is “wrong.”

I find that this perspective often comes from so-called “liberals” who are trying to be very politically correct because they want to ensure that they “understand” other cultures and want to make sure that they’re not offending anyone (these individuals are usually multi-generation Canadians and/or first or second generation with family from the British Isles or France). What they don’t realize is they are actually doing the opposite. And are also “othering” these groups, making them feel even more “different.” Please, people, we aren’t museum exhibits. We’re people. These views ALSO come from immigrants, but that’s a bit more understandable (but only if they’re family and only if they’re “of a certain age” if you know what I mean).

We need to be allowed to form our own views and interpretation of culture, food, fashion and so forth based on our personal experiences and what shaped us. If we didn’t have a grandmother who knew how to cook and was able to teach us how to make cultural foods the “proper” way (rather than boring, comfort food-ish fusiony meals) then we won’t know how to make so-called REAL homemade traditional foods. Besides, what’s “real” anyway? There are Chinese diaspora all over the world and not everyone is off the plane from Hong Kong or mainland China. Some came by way of the Caribbean and haven’t even set foot in East Asia (other than to visit) since the 19th century. So what of them? Jamaican-inspired Chinese food is very fusion-y. So is Hong Kong’s cha chaan teng cuisine (most of it is kind of low end, but you’ll find dishes like baked pork chop and rice and the island’s so-called national drink, Hong Kong milk tea (image below)) Is it fair to criticize them?

All I’m saying is I’m really unsure if I feel comfortable with all of the separation/what someone can can’t do due to appropriation/bastardization these days. I think it only separates us as individuals and makes immigrants and first generation – especially people who are NOT of British or French descent – more like museum exhibits and objects than human beings. And sadly, it isn’t JUST multigeneration Anglo/Franco-Canadians feeling this way. I hear it from people who are no more than two generations off the plane/boat as well. I’m not sure if it’s just brainwashing or ignorance, but it DOES bother me. Perhaps I’m just sensitive.

I realize I’ll be heavily criticized for this post, but hey, I’m allowed to voice my opinion, right? I shouldn’t be considered “stupid” or “ignorant” as I often am in certain Facebook and other online circles, but I often wonder if THEY are the ones who’re not too bright or if they’re just playing devil’s advocate.

First image: By AlexLMX/Shutterstock

Second image by author, via Prospere Magazine

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