When my husband and I were looking into adoption, my dad asked me whether we would be telling our child. I rolled my eyes and told him that of course we would be doing so! The adoption class we took (required for all intended parents in Ontario) told us that being open about the child’s heritage and background was extremely important. There’s no more “you’re part of the XYZ family now, so this is your background.” My parents were seemed very uncomfortable with this – to them, it’s as if we don’t want our son or daughter to truly be part of the family. I don’t really understand this and, to be honest, would be very stressful for us if they only SAY they’re going to be open with our child. Adoption turned out to be difficult for us anyway (no matches after three years, trying both domestic (which we weren’t really thinking would work out anyway, due to our mixed ethnic and faith marriage (more on that another time)) and many doors were closed to us in Asia (many due to health reasons on my part). People have asked us why we won’t consider other countries in, say, Africa. Or even the United States. The unfortunate issue is this: I’ve found that people from my background are more likely to openly point out kids that don’t “match” a family (i.e. transracially adopted kids) than, say, Anglo-Canadians. The issue is this: bloodlines are of importance in Chinese (and many other East Asian) cultures, so a child who “blends in” with a family, visibly speaking, anyway, wouldn’t be openly talked about. Yes, many people – especially the older generations – would openly point out kids who don’t “match” their parents. And I’m talking about in Canada. I can’t have a child grow up in such a hostile environment.
As you probably know, we’ve now moved on to surrogacy. We were lucky enough to find an embryo of mixed heritage, so the child would “blend in” to the family (more on donation and ethnicity issues in a future post), making it less stressful. However, not being pregnant and just having a baby “show up” in our family may still lead to questions. Especially from older people. My parents have said that we should just be open about this and if people are curious, just answer their questions. We shouldn’t lie and say that the baby is “adopted” and if people have issues, then too bad for them. I’m actually very surprised at their support. I suppose that this being their first (and likely only) grandchild, they have to be very open and supportive. Or maybe my discussion had them open up. And I’m glad for it. I actually don’t know how the parents of other first generation CBCs (Canadian born Chinese) – or other intended parents of East Asian heritage – would feel about this. I really doubt they’d be as supportive, to be honest.
This is a side of fertility that no one talks about. Heck, it’s a side of family no one talks about, period. Perhaps it’s too sensitive. However, I don’t think it should be. We talk about ethnic/race issues all the time, but this continues to be ignored. Why? Is it because there haven’t been enough people from certain backgrounds talking about it (due to higher stigmatization within said cultures)? Or is it because we’re being dismissed? Or maybe we don’t want to seem too politically incorrect (see first paragraph about “matching”). Whatever reason, I think it’s time to become more open and CRITICAL of one’s culture. It isn’t wrong and I don’t think it goes against multiculturalism. Sometimes, we just can’t hold on to the old ways – even if it’s about preserving heritage.
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