Some say that because I’m Asian, the kind of discrimination I can face is “different,” but not everyone in my ethnic community grew up in suburban comfort with the stereotypical extracurriculars such as music lessons and summer enrichment camps (or trips back to the old country) while growing up. Some had parents who ran small businesses just to make ends meet. Not everyone is a child of a doctor or engineer, nor did everyone grow up with English-speaking parents. Heck, I know suburbanites whose parents barely speak English. And I don’t mean Gen Xers and millenials who now live in the suburbs. I mean people my age who grew up there, yet have parents who struggled with language. I suppose the good thing is this: Here in Toronto and depending on ethnic background, one CAN get nearly every service in their ancestral language. I know that for Cantonese speakers, one can DEFINITELY get by speaking ONLY Cantonese for a full week (or these days, a month). Is that even fair? Why aren’t we offering more services so people can practise their English? And if we’re supposed to be encouraging more diversity and ending systemic discrimination, why can’t we talk about this?

I’ve been dismissed time and time again, even before Black Lives Matter was a blip on the radar. Somehow, I’m just a whiner, something nearing a “Karen” (no offence to women named Karen). The truth is, we NEED these kinds of services. We also need programs to help new Canadians/immigrants navigate certain systems, maybe even “unlearn” some beliefs, such as mental health awareness. As I noted a few years ago, the destigmatization of mental health awareness in (many) East Asian cultures is far behind the mainstream. Many people STILL believe that it’s a curse to the family (well, it’s TRUE that some issues are genetic, but sweeping it under a rug doesn’t change anything. It’s still hereditary). And, of course, telling strangers about your inner problems, even in private, is just airing dirty laundry. These kinds of habits need to be unlearned. If one culture can do this, so can others. It’s not discrimination to do this. It’s NOT trying to “mainstream” someone. But somehow, people think otherwise. It’s unfortunate.

I get this is sensitive. I get that we really need to watch HOW we do this, so that it doesn’t sound like we’re dictating and trying to tell other people what to do. But sometimes, things need to change, and often, policies and the lack of services, especially services to help people change beliefs aren’t happening BECAUSE we’re being too sensitive. It’s a double whammy. We can’t sound like colonialists, erasing cultures of certain groups, YET, certain groups are behind in the need to change (see my mental health comment above). What makes things worse is how some cultures look down on certain careers. For example, if being a doctor is considered a “good thing” in a certain culture, yet, this person decides to go into psychiatry, he or she might be viewed as “less” than, say, a cardiologist or GP. To that, I say, WTF. But hey, no one’s listening, so #whatever.

Without culture-sensitive services, nothing is going to change, and there may STILL be a lack of services. So what do we do, just wait a few generations until more people just become integrated? Survival of the fittest? We can’t do that. But like I said, no one really cares about this point. The most vocal of activists right now have their own agenda and the rest of the world is just hopping on THEIR bandwagon and not other people’s. SIGH.

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What I know, however, is this:  Neither Canada nor the United States (and probably other countries as well) do a very good job in helping immigrants integrate.  We have low benchmarks in terms of language skills, despite our points system.  And I think the outright fear some people have of newcomers make them nervous, so they also become nervous and, thus, hold on to their cultures even MORE.  Every immigrant knows that there’s a “time warp” – people often hold on to what was was “the thing” when they left.  So if people leave their birth countries in, say, 1985, they STILL think it’s 1985 in terms of what was considered their culture.  They don’t realize that THEIR countries have also changed unless they REALLY keep up with how things have evolved (i.e. they fly back to their homelands, say, every other year).  However, it’s now 2018 and there’s something called the internet.  Just talk to people.   I’m sure many would be shocked to find that that their homelands have changed, culturally speaking.

At the same time, there’s the issue with cultural sensitivity.  It’s gone too far, in many cases.  People who’ve been there longer seem to feel that they have to tread VERY CAREFULLY around newcomers so that they don’t insult them.  It’s to a point that some are surprised, shocked, even, that there are people like me who are “more integrated” than they think.  And they make comments about how it’s “wrong” because we’re “losing touch” with our heritages.  WTF??!!!  It’s how we were raised, and often, part of our culture (e.g. I have both a Chinese and a western name, something very common in Hong Kong culture (blame colonialism).  A woman once asked me WHY I choose to call myself “Cynthia” over a cultural name and that I should opt for a cultural name instead.  Ummmm, Cynthia is my legal name.  Okay, I CHOSE Cynthia after legally being Cindy for years, but still…my parents gave me two names.  It’s still MY CULTURE.  And yeah, she commented on losing touch.  WTF, WTF, WTF again).  If anything, blame my parents (and in many ways, I didn’t feel all that integrated when my grandmother told me only “bad Canadian kids” (read: multigenerational Anglo kids) went to school dances.  To the point that I didn’t go to my Grade 8 dance so that I could prove to my grandma that I was a “good girl.”  I really wanted to).

I really don’t have any answers on how we SHOULD be integrating except that it can’t come from elected officials only.  It has to come from EVERYONE.  However, I don’t know exactly what we CAN do, since it’s very difficult to encourage people who’ve been here more than a generation – especially over-sensitive multigenerationers – to accept that some newer arrivals are just more integrated (or stop them from complaining about those who aren’t integrated at all).  And that they need to accept that rather than question WHY they’re more integrated (I DO find that people who question tend to be no more than second generation, but from a different culture.  They’re also older and likely experienced MORE discrimination when they were growing up).  At the same time, newcomers need to be less critical of people who’ve been here a while and less critical of their children who might be more integrated.  Sorry, but they’re going to school here, and especially in a city like Toronto, will be exposed to people of many different backgrounds.  Including those from backgrounds which people in your homeland are at war with.  A child DOES NOT deserve to be grounded just for becoming friends with a kid from such a background.  I’m not saying this happens (though it very well COULD), I’m just using it as an example.  And if they start speaking only English to each other?  Well, that happens too.  Just make sure they still understand and know how to speak their ancestral language.  At the same time, Canada, at least, needs to stop categorizing people like me, who learned Cantonese first, in the same box as my parents.  I still speak passable Cantonese (enough to order food at a restaurant and perhaps describe symptoms to a doctor if needed.  I am, however, illiterate.  English is my PRIMARY and DEFAULT language.  I’m essentially Anglophone and identify as such.  Come on, that’s the language I was educated in.   I DO think it’s so they could inflate the number of people who are NOT Anglophone or Francophone to make the country look more “diverse,” linguistically speaking and that’s unfair.  You can’t equate me with someone who not only SPEAKS Cantonese, but also went to school in the language and can read enough of it to write a simple journal entry.  Just say that we speak more than one language, okay?

I really wish there was some way we can just do something to improve understanding and decrease criticism.  However, I’m not sure it can ever happen.  What do you think?

ETA: Benchmark meaning I’m basing this on my personal experience as a child of two university-educated (my dad also has two master’s degrees from Canadian schools), English-speaking parents who came to Canada in their early 20s.  Parents who did not work within their own ethnic communities.  Parents who tried hard to give me a good balance of both Hong Kong and Toronto cultures and kept up with what was “in” and “out” back in the old country, even before the internet existed.

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This comes both from relatives and strangers.  When I got married, my mother asked me why we signed up for a registry when cash is typically the gift of choice on both sides.  We did because we’re “from here,” and because our friends are going to ask where we registered.  We are going to do the same if we ever have children (my mom already suggested that we don’t register because we’ll be getting cash from family.  Ummm, so what about FRIENDS???!!!  What’s funny is that I always thought my parents were better integrated than many other immigrants, partly because they worked outside of the community).  Then there was what I call the “ladies’ locker room incident.”  A 60-ish woman told me she was going to a baby shower for a mom-to-be who from her husband’s office.  She said she was “surprised” that the mom-to-be okay with a shower because “Asian cultures, like Jewish cultures, believe showers are bad luck.”  I told her that it sounds like the mom-to-be grew up in Canada (at least in part), and is integrated into Anglo culture.  She just rolled her eyes, as if it was “wrong” and that it shouldn’t happen.  I wonder if SHE has kids and if THOSE kids are being thrown (or were thrown) baby showers.  Another experience was what I call “the campaign office incident.”  A guy with a Caribbean-sounding accent came up to me and told me that he’s “glad to see” someone like me (i.e. Asian) help out with a Conservative candidate (this occurred more than 10 years ago).  Whaaaa?  Does it even matter?  #justsayin

I actually feel sorry for those who don’t integrate well – it seems so isolating.  My maternal grandmother was one of those people.  She never really learned to speak English – she spoke JUST ENOUGH to pass her citizenship, yet never really figured out why Canadians “do” certain things.  She kept on telling me how not to be like those “bad Canadian (read: white) girls” who go to school dances and on dates before finishing high school (note:  I was so nervous about becoming a “bad girl” that I didn’t go to my first school dance until Grade 10).  As we lived in the suburbs and my grandmother never learned to drive, life was fairly isolating (unless it was somewhere she could walk to) until my grandfather retired and was able to take her to see friends or run errands.  However, not everyone is lucky like that.  And if you live in an area without good public transportation, you are pretty much housebound.  At least Cantonese language TV shows were available by the 1980s (for those who speak/understand the language, yet didn’t have the privilege like my grandmother).  However, watching TV all day is no fun and why I think at least LEARNING one of our official languages (or at least TRYING to do so) is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.  And what if such services aren’t available in your language?  Imagine how THAT would be.  I suppose some activists don’t understand either.  Instead, they feel that “integrating” = “losing touch” with one’s culture.  They don’t seem to realize that integrating can be about survival, not to mention one’s mental health.

Survival, of course, isn’t the only issue.  Not learning the language and customs (which one doesn’t necessarily have to follow) leads to ignorance and misunderstanding – on the part of the newer person and those of us who have been here longer/born/raised here.  The inability to communicate and explain these differences – and how/why things are done – might lead to more discussion and the opening of people’s minds, for both parties (not to mention decreasing stress levels of children/grandchildren of immigrants).  We need more of that these days.

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