Recipe info (four of them are links to older posts on this site):

Cin Cin Mien:  A Dan Dan Inspired Dish 

Kefir Soda Bread 

Cacao Oat Cookies (this is a cacao version I made over the holiday season in 2020, using oat bran rather than rolled oats) 

The OG two ingredient oat/banana cookies recipe (from Ambitious Kitchen) 

Pumpkin Mooncakes (you can use the same recipe to make squares so it’s not an issue that we’re out of season) 

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Totally WTF, right?  But this was what my grandmother told me to discourage me from dancing.  I only know one other person who had a family member tell her that and yes, she, too is first generation Canadian with Chinese immigrant family members.  Maybe it’s just misunderstanding, something that was lost in translation, but that’s how we both took it.   And that’s why I never really went too far in dance and didn’t even get back into anything that was closely related until I reached adulthood when no one could tell me what to do.

I was actually told a lot of weird things from family members and like the ballet comment, I’m not sure if it’s just lost in translation.  A lot of it had to do with fitness – I was discouraged from liking gym (and this was probably why I barely passed)!  My parents weren’t nearly as stringent, but my grandmother had much more of an influence on me (besides discouraging fitness, she also didn’t think it was “lady-like” to do housework and I had to beg to be allowed to cook and bake (so I could pass badges for Brownies and Guides)).  Looking back, it might also have to do with differing views on body image.  Having a toned body just didn’t come into play for older Chinese people.  A young woman had to look “delicate” and “delicate” didn’t mean that you had arms like Michelle Obama or a stomach like Gwyneth Paltrow.  This is, of course, not really as much of a cultural issue than generational.  Just watch any beach movie from the 1950s.  Everyone, male or female, looked…flabby by our standards.

Some of the comments did make sense.  My grandmother was big on STEM subjects, before it was a “thing” to encourage girls to take them.  After all, my mom majored in STEM (physics and math) in university and worked in IT back in the 70s, 80s and into the early 90s before deciding to become a stay-at-home mom (I was one of the first kids on the street to get a DOS machine).  I, on the other hand, wasn’t all that interested, no matter how hard my mom tried (she even sent me to computer camp.  I was one of the only kids who couldn’t code).  Did I make a mistake by NOT going into STEM?  Probably not.  I wasn’t much for science and IT, anyway.  If I were to have chosen a more “non-traditional”/traditionally “male” route, I would have probably followed my dad into finance.  Can you see me as an investment banker or portfolio manager?  I do bark at the stock market when I work out (I usually watch HGTV, the Food Network or one of the business channels when I’m at the gym).

But back to the whole legs and fitness thing.  It’s too bad I never had a chance to have my grandmother clarify.  I am sure she wouldn’t be too pleased to find out that both barre and more of a “traditional” ballet drop in class are part of my fitness routine, in addition to weight training and working out on the elliptical (actually, I’m not sure if she’d be pleased that I have a fitness routine, PERIOD).  But I feel so much better than I did when I was doing little.  And I wish I had the guts to tell my grandmother that she was wrong when I was a teenager.  Besides, how on earth are we supposed to stay fit without exercising and gaining muscle?  If we sit on our bottoms all day munching on bon bons, we’re all going to get fat.  And lazy.  And sick.

Did anyone else have grandparents like this?  Do you think it’s generational or cultural?

Image credit: Gergely Zsolnai /Shutterstock

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BuzzFeed video featuring immigrant parents and their American-born (or raised) children on pursuing their dreams

I don’t really blame my parents.  I think they just wanted me to be successful, and they probably didn’t really understand the PR world too much at that time.  Now that I’m almost 40 (turning 39 in September), I’ve pretty much given up on a PR career.  Especially in fashion/beauty (because you age out of this.  At my age, you’re either already in, or you’re not.  If not, too bad.  You can’t change NOW).  In any case, I blogged in that world for a few years and never felt that I fit in.  I’m not exactly a super high maintenance sort.  I’ve never coloured my hair (unless you count spray painting for school spirit reasons) and rarely get manicures (I DO get pedicures somewhat frequently, especially in the summer).  My lipstick collection mostly fall in the “safe” colours – nudes, browns and berries, mostly lightweight/creams.  I’ve tried wearing bright red lipstick, but I’ve just never felt comfortable.  Must be all that conditioning at BSS (I mean, I was never, ever the one with uniform violations)!

The video above also discusses what the parents dreamed of doing.  Some of their stories sounded like dreams children often have, like being a firefighter or teacher – because those are the careers kids are exposed to at a young age.  So I’m not surprised that they mentioned them.  I’m also not too surprised at the fact that the parents ideas for their kids.  Many struggled to ensure their children had a comfortable, middle class style upbringing, and worked VERY HARD to do so.  Many worked long hours, whether in a restaurant or in white collar jobs.  While I wouldn’t say my parents “struggled,” – we always had a proper family dinner around 6-6:30 PM – they DID want the best for me.  And that included career choices.  PR just wasn’t an area where I could easily make six figures before the age of 30, unlike banking (anything STEM-related was out after I failed to take any advanced science courses in my final year of high school.  I did take math, so to them, finance was STILL an option).

As for what I’m doing now – I’m pretty happy with my current choice of working in the philanthropy world.  I want to make things better for others – it’s actually one of the reasons why I joined Brownies and Guides as a child and the Junior League as an adult (notice that all three organizations are female-only).  And unlike a decade ago, when I wanted to work in PR, my parents are perfectly fine, even encouraging me in my career.  They really love the idea that I’m helping to improve society.  I think my work with Healthy Minds Canada’s discussion on mental health in East Asian communities really contributed to them changing their minds.  And in the future?  Who knows?  I’m going to continue to write, but my main focus will be related to philanthropy and improving lives of others.

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I have have, for one, been open about not having a genetic child/get pregnant for a long time – probably before most celebrities have started talking.  It was more than just disappointing for me when I found out that it wasn’t a good idea due to various health conditions (so technically, my issue isn’t exactly “infertility” in the traditional sense, which is why I prefer “fertility issues”) when I was just 15, but I learned to accept the case and immediately thought of adoption – even when I was still in high school!  However, as I got older, I learned that adoption was not as easy, especially having experienced the process for years with my husband. We then learned more about IVF (in vitro fertilization), surrogacy and the process in Canada, and decided to give it a try.  We don’t have any news to share yet, but we are still very hopeful.

Chrissy Teigen on her struggles to have a baby (via Harper’s Bazaar)

However, whether it’s adoption, surrogacy (we decided on surrogacy due to other health-related issues), going through treatment for yourself or using third party donors (either eggs, sperm or embryo), it’s something that many still keep a secret – especially if a donor is used (I think some celebrities used donors (especially if they’re older), yet they haven’t said that they did).  I know that in some cultures, having actual genetic links is important (it certainly is in traditional Chinese/Confucian societies), and thus, adopted children are never told about their past.  In fact, when my husband and I were considering adoption – especially because we were looking in an Asian country (Vietnam), my parents even asked me whether we’d be telling them.  We were taught in our adoption preparation class to ALWAYS be open about a child’s past and to share the child’s culture, even if it is similar to your own (or in our case, my side).  And we are using the same rule for our child through surrogacy.  It’s just the right thing to do.  Just by saying something like that makes starting families in ways other than the “traditional” method, shameful thanks to “birth parent privilege” (this is a whole other post.  More on THAT soon).

But at least I’m talking about it.  At least other people are talking about it.  I think there should be more – and yes, celebrities being OPEN are helping.  But I don’t think we should rely on those who are famous to talk about it FIRST.  We should be able to do it on our own.  The struggle to have a family but can’t the “traditional” way shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of, nor should people be criticizing you for doing so.  There’s too much unwanted advice (I’ve heard it all myself, but people tend to quiet down once I tell them I have health issues) out there, not to mention shame.  We don’t, after all, criticize people who, say, have cancer.

Video and image credits:  Video via Harper’s Bazaar and image by Tupungato/Shutterstock

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Highlights from the Healthy Minds Canada lunch and learn.  The full panel discussion, which is an hour long, can be seen here.

The issue regarding mental health in Asian communities has long been bothering me.  It goes back to the Virginia Tech shootings (2007!), where the shooter was of Korean descent.  They brought up his ethnic background a little, and definitely discussed mental health, but I felt that it was a good time to bring up how SOME cultural communities treat mental health.  I realize ethnicity is always a very sensitive topic – especially when it comes to violent crimes – but I was surprised that very little of it was discussed on news shows.  I have also been told by some family members that depression is not a “real” condition, but merely a “middle class invention.”  Most are from older generations, those who’ve been through the Second World War or those born soon after.  They talk about how the war and subsequent decades – probably until the mid 1960s – meant that there “was nothing to be happy about,” and yet, they survived.  That now that we are so privileged, that we should just “deal with it.”  Really?  We’re just complaining?  Are you SURE you weren’t depressed?  Or for those who lived through the war, suffering from PTSD?  Then there’s immigration, ranging from the stress of adapting to an entirely new country to career issues (e.g. not finding a job in your field) and discrimination.

It isn’t only a problem with the immigrant generation.  Children of immigrants, whether they were born in the west or came as very young children often face conflicting cultural ideals – having to deal with what is acceptable in their heritage culture which may or may not clash with what is considered appropriate in Canada, causing a great deal of stress.  However, it’s just not discussed because it’s not a “problem” that “good East Asian families” face. This “stiff upper lip-ness” is astounding and the very reason why there are problems within the communities.  The hiddeness of the very existence of mental health conditions is very real, and there are studies which show that those of various East Asian backgrounds seek help at worse conditions than those from other cultures.  I’ve brought up the very topic before, but was dismissed each time – until this year when I spoke with Healthy Minds Canada.

I’m really glad I organized the event.  In fact, I felt a great deal of relief immediately after – even if I’m unsure of whether the point REALLY got across.  As I don’t read any East Asian language nor do I watch television in said languages, I am unsure of whether there was any media coverage.  I hope there was.  And I hope to see more people – especially those with a great deal of influence within the community (including celebrities, both here and in the old countries) – open up and say that they’ve had personal experiences.  Only that way will it become more okay.  And only then will these communities start catching up.

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Many eastern cultures, including Chinese (which strongly influenced other countries, including Korea and Vietnam) are collective (meaning it’s about the good of a group of people) rather than individualistic.  One is supposed to conform to what is “normal” (e.g. marrying someone of the opposite sex, regardless of sexual orientation) rather than “being oneself” (e.g. someone who is gay marrying someone of the same sex) because one is “born this way.”  It could even be something simpler, like majoring in, say, history, rather than business or sciences (this was me.  I told my mom that even if I MAJORED in business, I would have ended up working in marketing, advertising or PR rather than finance like my dad (which they never tried pushing for some reason).  Science, especially technology (which my mother, who worked in IT, wanted me to do) was a no-go for me, which they accepted very early on (thank goodness)).  So someone who DOESN’T conform to what is “normal” in the group can feel pressured into doing something he or she doesn’t want to do or be – and that can be stressful.  There’s A LOT of stress to PROVE to people that one is “worthy,” and thus, a “good ______ girl or boy.”  Because we all want to be “good” and not shunned, right?

I would say that I grew up in a loving home.  I was an only child, and thus, had more attention from adults compared to a lot of other kids.  I also grew up in comfortable, safe areas, without any struggle whatsoever.  We, as a family, were not disadvantaged economically or educationally.  However, this doesn’t erase conflict – and most of said issues were not with my parents, but my grandmother.  My maternal grandmother was my primary caregiver and fed me with myths of what a “proper lady” not only SHOULD BE, but should LOOK LIKE.  Okay, fine – every girl has body image issues at some point in her life.  However, very early on, my grandmother told me that I shouldn’t take dance too seriously because it would “make one’s legs ‘fat’.”  At the same time, my mother said I needed more exercise (confusing, no?).  I wasn’t blessed with athletic talent in the team sports area, and being tiny, there really wasn’t much I could do to stay fit outside of individual sports/workouts.  I wasn’t and still am not fat, but I could have been more fit as a child and teen had I not felt guilty about eventually having “fat” legs.  I didn’t realize until much, much later (we’re talking 20-something here!!) on that “fat” actually meant “big” as in muscular.  However, being muscular, at least according to more traditional Chinese culture, was “unbecoming” for a lady – at least for a middle class female (I suppose I should have just been rebellious.  After all, this same woman also told me cooking and cleaning were not “lady-like” either).  I wonder what she’d say about Gal Gadot.

I can’t say that I didn’t LOVE my grandmother – and she really loved ME.  However, what she said to me runs deep, and it took me a very long time – until my early 30s – to become comfortable with a good fitness routine.  I probably still have some issues about whether I’m a “good girl” or not – I certainly did not follow the same career route as my first cousins (nearly all are in finance and one is an MD) and my grades certainly weren’t as high as they could have been when I was in high school.  And while *I* thought majoring in drama (something I loved) and history (with a focus on Chinese/East Asian history – a great way for me to be exposed to my heritage) was good for me, once in a while…a long while…I question myself on whether it WAS.  But it’s not something I think about too much and I have mostly come to terms with this issue.  In fact, I’m very proud of my majors!

I know that there are people out there with more “issues” than me.  Their family may be much more traditional than mine, and thus, have more to deal with.  And it’s no wonder some children of immigrants have mental health issues – all of this can be very stressful.  They also have trouble discussing such issues not only because there aren’t enough services specifically catered to the needs of first generation Canadians (which are often different from immigrants themselves), but because they know that it is “unbecoming” to be open about them or that they feel guilty about “ruining” the family name (yes, some cultures have a stiffer upper lip than the British).  However, like my former issues about becoming fit, these people need to come to terms with not being comfortable and start discussing – who cares what the family thinks, right?  It can be hard – and yes, guilt comes into play – but talking about it can you feel much better.

Hong Kong and Canadian flag image: SLdesign/ShutterStock

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