I haven’t really been going out too much. Fear of getting sick is the major factor. These days, I really don’t go out very much. Twice a week, max. Compare that to pre-COVID days when I’m out basically EVERY SINGLE DAY. I went to fitness classes (and I miss them a great deal). I went to the grocery store every day (yes, I “old world shopped”). These days? I’m working out from home and grocery shop at stores when I leave the house. My son might come with me, but even HE isn’t getting out too much. My husband and I brunched every weekend back in the day. We still do, but it’s delivered to us.

I’m not feeling good. I mean, I’m PHYSICALLY fine. I’m still exercising daily. I eat well. Heck, I think I’m eating better NOW than I did back in the beginning of the year. I’m cooking more. But mentally? Nope, not that great. It’s not just COVID that’s affecting everything. Things are changing so quickly politically and philosophically that my brain just can’t keep up. Okay. There. I said it. I’m not WOKE. I am not READY to be WOKE the way people seem to want me to. Maybe it’s because so-called diversity activists don’t seem to understand my voice. And I don’t understand why. I’m coming from a child-of-immigrant perspective. Isn’t this SUPPOSED to be something which SHOULD be included?

I feel like the immigrant (or child of immigrant) view is largely being ignored. I mean, some groups are not getting the services they need and have the right to have because, well, they aren’t being served linguistically. I know this isn’t really an issue (for the most part) for my heritage community (or whatever the proper term is) – the Cantonese speaking population is HUGE here – but that isn’t the case for everyone. And even for Cantonese speakers, there ARE services which might be lacking as there may not be many people in those industries who speak the language well enough (I speak PASSABLE Cantonese, but I’m unsure if I’d be good enough to be an interpreter. And I’m Chinese-illiterate anyway (please don’t shame me)). Why is this the case? Well, it could very well be due to parents PRESSURING their kids to go into certain industries (are we allowed to talk about this?). It isn’t necessarily a systemic thing. Of course, the so-called “WOKE” people would never admit that. And frankly, that’s kind of sad.

Yes, right now, we ARE being more open about our mental health. But that focus is very much due to COVID. And being open about mental health is very much an Anglo-Protestant sort of thing. Many communities in Canada still have a “tough it out” mentality (though it’s getting better). Now, my parents are very integrated compared to the “typical” immigrant (working outside of the community and having had an English language education back in the old country helped) and are more open about mental health awareness, but that isn’t the case for everyone (remember my post on Asian culture and mental health awareness?). However, it seems like this isn’t part of the narrative. At all. Diversity-focused activism is very much centred around anti-Black and anti-Indigenous bias, not taking into account various immigrant and child-of-immigrant experiences. In fact, at times, many seem to assume that talking about anti-Black and anti-Indigenous biases will automatically erase other sorts of bias. NOT TRUE. This is like making gluten-free pizza crust available so “everyone” can have pizza. Gluten-free doesn’t mean “everyone” can have pizza. What about Keto? Or are, for one reason or another, abstaining from over-processed grains (because a gluten-free crust doesn’t necessarily mean whole grain crust!!!)? So unless that gluten-free crust happens to be made from cauliflower, you aren’t accommodating EVERYONE. And it’s frustrating, mentally, especially when people seem to dismiss or deny that it’s an issue. And that seems to happen. A LOT.

So combined with COVID, being trying to be “WOKE” and reading posts on social about being WOKE/”how sad” things are, etc, etc…AND to be told that all issues can be covered just BY being WOKE when it isn’t always true just makes things more stressful. I try to laugh it off, especially when it comes from people going out of their way to be PC, but no, it’s not fun. And when those who try TOO HARD really come off negatively, offensive, perhaps (I’ll get into that another time). And when you deny that you ARE, you aren’t giving others a chance to give their perspective.

So once again, how am I doing? NOT GREAT. And society is to blame for that.

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Recently, my little guy, age 21 1/2 month, started calling dogs, “woe-woe.” Now, this isn’t an uncommon term toddlers use in Cantonese. However, I want him to ALSO know that the PROPER word in Cantonese is “gow” (I’d also like him to say “dog”/”doggy” and “chien”). But no one else – other than me – has really tried to emphasize “gow.” I *THINK* he’s getting it. My guy is a very smart kid. He recognizes colours and can even say some of them, and recognizes most objects. He just won’t say them (when I was his age, I knew at least 100 words. My parents claim that I was able to recite (parts of) the Ballad of Mulan. Sure, but did I know what it meant? No. I just knew how to repeat the sounds. And real word sounds). And with COVID, we can’t get any hearing tests to make sure it’s not hearing-related.

Using different types of baby words isn’t really the main issue. I’ve talked time and time again on social about feeding. My philosophy is to encourage him to feed himself – even if it means moving the plate or bowl far from his chair and him reaching for his food (that’s his new “thing”). The older generation? Spoon feeding. And purées at that (there’s also “tum sik” – it’s not exactly force feeding, but it’s a bit more extreme than the airplane method. It often involves adding, say, a piece of fruit (or cheese) with a savoury item to get a child to eat more. A fellow CBC doesn’t think there’s an equivalent term in English. And you can tell I’m NOT A BIG FAN OF THIS). My goodness, the boy will be TWO in October! He should primarily be eating bite sized foods. I’m almost ready to teach him how to use chopsticks! At least they’re not trying to get me to make him congee. He’s had it but it’s not his primary source of carbs. And don’t get me started on plant-based proteins (I get criticized about that too). Or vegetarian/vegan meals (some don’t get that plant-based doesn’t necessarily mean healthy. Would you call living on a steady diet of vegan poutine, healthy?). But that’s a whole other issue in itself (and I’ll post about that another day).

Some people might look at this as generational only, but there’s quite a bit of cultural conflict as well. And I’ve found few resources on this, not even people’s blogs – especially if it’s more ethnic/heritage-specific (and when I do, it’s almost always about older children or adults looking back at their childhoods. And usually, they come from families which are way, way more old culture than mine (I recently read a post where a guy (ABC (American Born Chinese)) said that for punishment, he was forced to kneel in front of ancestors to beg for their forgiveness. I have SERIOUSLY NOT HEARD OF THAT BEFORE). And I completely understand why. In most Confucian-influenced cultures, being open about this is, well, airing dirty laundry. You just don’t (I know that I just did, but I really don’t care). I’ve brought this up on some mom groups on Facebook, and one woman suggested that I see a therapist. Maybe I DO need to see one to discuss this, but that therapist might not be of much help, not even one from my own culture.

Someone said that I should see his calling dogs “woe-woe” rather than “gow” as a blessing, considering that my son’s speech is a little behind others his age (his other new words are “bah” for black and “boo” for blue). But I don’t know. He’s nearly two, and still says around 10-12 words at most. I’m trying, but I’m unsure if he is as well. According to sources, late talkers might be poor spellers and readers. He also has a short attention span, so reading, other than when he’s already in bed, can be difficult. He prefers to move. I don’t know if I should be concerned about ADHD just yet, however.

Sometimes, I feel like my parents want him behind. From criticizing on how he eats (i.e. not being spoon fed if he stops eating on his own), to how they talk to him and even doing MORE for him than I know he can. Is it cultural or is it just a grandparent thing (i.e. it’s their job to spoil him)? Or do they think he should have a more carefree toddlerhood, without the stress of trying to meet or be ahead of milestones? I DO get that part. My parents often say they regret not redshirting me, keeping me behind a grade in school. I don’t really know if that would have necessarily been a good idea.

In any case, I know that some people would say that I should honour my heritage and allow more of this kind of exposure. But my question to these individuals is this: WHY? You know who you are, and you seem to want to separate people rather than unite them. In fact, sometimes, you’re not even allowing us to speak up. These days, there seems to be a certain agenda and only people who follow that agenda are heard. But that too is for another post on another day.

To be honest, I should be grateful. I should be grateful that the clashes I have with my family, especially when it comes to how one should raise a child, isn’t as polarized as some. At least my parents are mostly fine with the age-appropriate independence I’m encouraging. It’s really more of the feeding and the kind of baby talk that I’m not a fan of. I’m not trying to rush/pressure him to do things. I’m not quite a tiger mom. But there’s so much pressure as a parent when I see that he’s not like other kids his age. I mean, we all want what’s best for our kids and for our kids to succeed. And the difference in opinion my parents and I have can be stressful. Especially when it seems cultural.

Image by: Andi Arman/Shutterstock

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What’s funny, however, is my parents went camping themselves when they were young (my dad was in Scouts, which means they probably would have been okay with me going to Brownie and Guide camps had I not have bad eczema – something which I grew out of by the time I was 11).  However, it was the sort where one spent a weekend in a tent, not the month-long, cabin dwelling variety that is just so a part of North American culture.  My grandmother even criticized kids going to camp, not understanding why parents would want their kids to “suffer” in the wilderness, likely without hot water or maybe even plumbing in their cabins.

The same could be said of cottages.  I told my parents that my husband and I aren’t going to spend extra money to buy a cottage, but will try to rent something for, say, two weeks each summer if we ever start a family (that way, we could have a different house, or perhaps even stay in different areas each year).  They questioned our choice of staying in a house without hotel-like services because they believed that being on vacation meant one shouldn’t have to make their own food or have to clean up.  They also wondered what we’d be doing for a week or two out in the country (oh, I don’t know, go to farmer’s markets? Craft shows?).  To them, a good vacation in the country meant staying in a resort like the one in Dirty Dancing – you know, with organized activities and such.

I completely get that they want me to be “comfortable.”  I understand that to them, a cushy suburban life is better than having to “deal” with the wilderness.  However, the whole point of camp or the cottage IS to get “away.”  The point IS to experience the country and just do nothing (or close to nothing – I still want wifi if I’m going to be gone for more than a weekend).  At the end, it’s about me wanting to do what *I* want.  And yes, having been raised HERE means my culture isn’t necessarily the exact same as theirs.  Especially now that I’m an adult.

Image credit: nito/ShutterStock

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Many eastern cultures, including Chinese (which strongly influenced other countries, including Korea and Vietnam) are collective (meaning it’s about the good of a group of people) rather than individualistic.  One is supposed to conform to what is “normal” (e.g. marrying someone of the opposite sex, regardless of sexual orientation) rather than “being oneself” (e.g. someone who is gay marrying someone of the same sex) because one is “born this way.”  It could even be something simpler, like majoring in, say, history, rather than business or sciences (this was me.  I told my mom that even if I MAJORED in business, I would have ended up working in marketing, advertising or PR rather than finance like my dad (which they never tried pushing for some reason).  Science, especially technology (which my mother, who worked in IT, wanted me to do) was a no-go for me, which they accepted very early on (thank goodness)).  So someone who DOESN’T conform to what is “normal” in the group can feel pressured into doing something he or she doesn’t want to do or be – and that can be stressful.  There’s A LOT of stress to PROVE to people that one is “worthy,” and thus, a “good ______ girl or boy.”  Because we all want to be “good” and not shunned, right?

I would say that I grew up in a loving home.  I was an only child, and thus, had more attention from adults compared to a lot of other kids.  I also grew up in comfortable, safe areas, without any struggle whatsoever.  We, as a family, were not disadvantaged economically or educationally.  However, this doesn’t erase conflict – and most of said issues were not with my parents, but my grandmother.  My maternal grandmother was my primary caregiver and fed me with myths of what a “proper lady” not only SHOULD BE, but should LOOK LIKE.  Okay, fine – every girl has body image issues at some point in her life.  However, very early on, my grandmother told me that I shouldn’t take dance too seriously because it would “make one’s legs ‘fat’.”  At the same time, my mother said I needed more exercise (confusing, no?).  I wasn’t blessed with athletic talent in the team sports area, and being tiny, there really wasn’t much I could do to stay fit outside of individual sports/workouts.  I wasn’t and still am not fat, but I could have been more fit as a child and teen had I not felt guilty about eventually having “fat” legs.  I didn’t realize until much, much later (we’re talking 20-something here!!) on that “fat” actually meant “big” as in muscular.  However, being muscular, at least according to more traditional Chinese culture, was “unbecoming” for a lady – at least for a middle class female (I suppose I should have just been rebellious.  After all, this same woman also told me cooking and cleaning were not “lady-like” either).  I wonder what she’d say about Gal Gadot.

I can’t say that I didn’t LOVE my grandmother – and she really loved ME.  However, what she said to me runs deep, and it took me a very long time – until my early 30s – to become comfortable with a good fitness routine.  I probably still have some issues about whether I’m a “good girl” or not – I certainly did not follow the same career route as my first cousins (nearly all are in finance and one is an MD) and my grades certainly weren’t as high as they could have been when I was in high school.  And while *I* thought majoring in drama (something I loved) and history (with a focus on Chinese/East Asian history – a great way for me to be exposed to my heritage) was good for me, once in a while…a long while…I question myself on whether it WAS.  But it’s not something I think about too much and I have mostly come to terms with this issue.  In fact, I’m very proud of my majors!

I know that there are people out there with more “issues” than me.  Their family may be much more traditional than mine, and thus, have more to deal with.  And it’s no wonder some children of immigrants have mental health issues – all of this can be very stressful.  They also have trouble discussing such issues not only because there aren’t enough services specifically catered to the needs of first generation Canadians (which are often different from immigrants themselves), but because they know that it is “unbecoming” to be open about them or that they feel guilty about “ruining” the family name (yes, some cultures have a stiffer upper lip than the British).  However, like my former issues about becoming fit, these people need to come to terms with not being comfortable and start discussing – who cares what the family thinks, right?  It can be hard – and yes, guilt comes into play – but talking about it can you feel much better.

Hong Kong and Canadian flag image: SLdesign/ShutterStock

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