Parenting Culture Clashes: It Happens

When you’re a child of immigrants, clashes between you and your parents occur. While you might think it disappears after you become an adult, it doesn’t! It’s going to be with you for life, especially when you become a parent yourself. I get it all the time, whether it’s feeding (my parents, for example, favour spoon feeding, even for kids who are toddler age) or even speech.

Recently, my little guy, age 21 1/2 month, started calling dogs, “woe-woe.” Now, this isn’t an uncommon term toddlers use in Cantonese. However, I want him to ALSO know that the PROPER word in Cantonese is “gow” (I’d also like him to say “dog”/”doggy” and “chien”). But no one else – other than me – has really tried to emphasize “gow.” I *THINK* he’s getting it. My guy is a very smart kid. He recognizes colours and can even say some of them, and recognizes most objects. He just won’t say them (when I was his age, I knew at least 100 words. My parents claim that I was able to recite (parts of) the Ballad of Mulan. Sure, but did I know what it meant? No. I just knew how to repeat the sounds. And real word sounds). And with COVID, we can’t get any hearing tests to make sure it’s not hearing-related.

Using different types of baby words isn’t really the main issue. I’ve talked time and time again on social about feeding. My philosophy is to encourage him to feed himself – even if it means moving the plate or bowl far from his chair and him reaching for his food (that’s his new “thing”). The older generation? Spoon feeding. And purées at that (there’s also “tum sik” – it’s not exactly force feeding, but it’s a bit more extreme than the airplane method. It often involves adding, say, a piece of fruit (or cheese) with a savoury item to get a child to eat more. A fellow CBC doesn’t think there’s an equivalent term in English. And you can tell I’m NOT A BIG FAN OF THIS). My goodness, the boy will be TWO in October! He should primarily be eating bite sized foods. I’m almost ready to teach him how to use chopsticks! At least they’re not trying to get me to make him congee. He’s had it but it’s not his primary source of carbs. And don’t get me started on plant-based proteins (I get criticized about that too). Or vegetarian/vegan meals (some don’t get that plant-based doesn’t necessarily mean healthy. Would you call living on a steady diet of vegan poutine, healthy?). But that’s a whole other issue in itself (and I’ll post about that another day).

Some people might look at this as generational only, but there’s quite a bit of cultural conflict as well. And I’ve found few resources on this, not even people’s blogs – especially if it’s more ethnic/heritage-specific (and when I do, it’s almost always about older children or adults looking back at their childhoods. And usually, they come from families which are way, way more old culture than mine (I recently read a post where a guy (ABC (American Born Chinese)) said that for punishment, he was forced to kneel in front of ancestors to beg for their forgiveness. I have SERIOUSLY NOT HEARD OF THAT BEFORE). And I completely understand why. In most Confucian-influenced cultures, being open about this is, well, airing dirty laundry. You just don’t (I know that I just did, but I really don’t care). I’ve brought this up on some mom groups on Facebook, and one woman suggested that I see a therapist. Maybe I DO need to see one to discuss this, but that therapist might not be of much help, not even one from my own culture.

Someone said that I should see his calling dogs “woe-woe” rather than “gow” as a blessing, considering that my son’s speech is a little behind others his age (his other new words are “bah” for black and “boo” for blue). But I don’t know. He’s nearly two, and still says around 10-12 words at most. I’m trying, but I’m unsure if he is as well. According to sources, late talkers might be poor spellers and readers. He also has a short attention span, so reading, other than when he’s already in bed, can be difficult. He prefers to move. I don’t know if I should be concerned about ADHD just yet, however.

Sometimes, I feel like my parents want him behind. From criticizing on how he eats (i.e. not being spoon fed if he stops eating on his own), to how they talk to him and even doing MORE for him than I know he can. Is it cultural or is it just a grandparent thing (i.e. it’s their job to spoil him)? Or do they think he should have a more carefree toddlerhood, without the stress of trying to meet or be ahead of milestones? I DO get that part. My parents often say they regret not redshirting me, keeping me behind a grade in school. I don’t really know if that would have necessarily been a good idea.

In any case, I know that some people would say that I should honour my heritage and allow more of this kind of exposure. But my question to these individuals is this: WHY? You know who you are, and you seem to want to separate people rather than unite them. In fact, sometimes, you’re not even allowing us to speak up. These days, there seems to be a certain agenda and only people who follow that agenda are heard. But that too is for another post on another day.

To be honest, I should be grateful. I should be grateful that the clashes I have with my family, especially when it comes to how one should raise a child, isn’t as polarized as some. At least my parents are mostly fine with the age-appropriate independence I’m encouraging. It’s really more of the feeding and the kind of baby talk that I’m not a fan of. I’m not trying to rush/pressure him to do things. I’m not quite a tiger mom. But there’s so much pressure as a parent when I see that he’s not like other kids his age. I mean, we all want what’s best for our kids and for our kids to succeed. And the difference in opinion my parents and I have can be stressful. Especially when it seems cultural.

Image by: Andi Arman/Shutterstock