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Baby Mintz is two weeks old and is slowly learning how to be a baby (technically, he’s 37 weeks gestation, don’t forget – his actual due date is November 18).  He was having a lot of trouble with the bottle for several days and the hospital wouldn’t let him go home until he could be on full time for 48 hours.  It took him until Wednesday to start grasping the idea of taking a bottle for food (rather than a feeding tube) and we were able to go home on Friday.  Thank goodness!  I just can’t deal with hospitals anymore.  At least we didn’t stopped having to commute to St. Catharines after the third day AND the Toronto hospital was subway accessible (though not our first choice).  We are, however, very glad to have him home and look forward to spending much more time with him.  Meanwhile, there’s MUCH MORE TO DO (e.g. making doctor’s appointments, looking for parent/baby programs – especially ones WELCOMING to parents who were never pregnant).  I’ve also contacted two preschools (yes, I’m thinking that far in advance).

We’re glad we can spend much, much more time with him and caring for him in an environment which we find much more comfortable.  My parents have been in daily to visit their grandson (and still getting used to being known as Poh Poh (my mom) and Gung Gung (my dad)).  Adam’s parents will be coming in a few weeks.  We’re going to be at this for the rest of our lives!

My husband and I would like to thank the staff at both St. Catharines General and Toronto East Hospital for their kindness and effort in caring for Baby Mintz and for showing us what to do!  We were completely clueless (okay, maybe not CLUELESS – I’ve cared for children before – just not newborns) at the beginning and we’re slowly getting the hang of it now.

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An awaiting/intended parent can sometimes feel like the red playing piece

Sometimes, I feel weird going into baby stores, looking for items.  Salespeople just assume I’m looking for someone else, so they ask if that person was registered with the store.  Ummmm, my husband and I are the ones who registered there (not all of them, we only have one “real” registry.  The other is a third party site where you can add items from different stores).  While most salespeople don’t actually roll their eyes or look surprised, you can tell they find it strange.  I mean, I’m not pregnant.  It’s to the point that sometimes, I first say that I’m adopting – especially around people over a certain age or from certain cultures.

Then there’s the mental health aspect.  I’ve been trying to find post-partum/post delivery programs, ones which are inclusive to those who were not pregnant.  They’re hard to find – even “virtual” ones on Facebook (the ones I’ve found are mostly for people who are waiting their child(ren)’s birth as well as those who are still trying.  I’d like to find ones for those who have already had their kids).  Sometimes, you just want to talk or share experiences.  I mean, you CAN with people who didn’t go through the same thing, but it’s often hard for them to understand.  Like the pressures to breastfeed.  I’m not going to be able to do that (yes, I know all about “adoptive breastfeeding,” but I’m not going there due to my medical condition.  A medical condition on my part is the reason why we didn’t even consider pregnancy in the first place).  And most post-partum programs talk about changes with hormones on the mother’s part (or getting back in shape).  My hormones aren’t experiencing a sudden change like that of a woman who went through pregnancy.  However, the stresses of parenting, especially for the first time, could be there (see my piece on “birth parent privilege“).

I’m not saying that I WILL experience them, but it would be nice if I (or my husband, for that matter) could speak with someone who understands.  It doesn’t have to be a professional, but some guidance on WHERE to find such groups to share these experiences would be very helpful – especially for after the birth.  I’d like to speak with people who have had similar experiences (yes, I realize parenting is parenting, but I don’t want to hear that I’m “lucky” because I don’t have to deal with lactation or hormonal issues.  And being into fitness, I’ve found that all the mom and baby programs focus on post-birth issues (rightly so), so they’re OBVIOUSLY not for me).  I just kind of feel…left out at times.

Image credit: Tero Vesalainen/Shutterstock

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This isn’t the only way to become a mom!  However, our society somehow thinks otherwise when it comes to parent/child programs

Because our soon-to-be-born baby is half Asian and half white, random people won’t think anything differently as the child “matches us.”  That’s fine.  But while our family “passes,” to the public, we, ourselves, and anyone who is aware of our journey, know that things aren’t what they seem to be.  And we aren’t alone in this.  Anyone who has used a surrogate (or has adopted) – any heterosexual couple, that is – will likely know the feeling of being “left out” in the vast majority just about anything that is baby-related.

Take parent and baby yoga classes for example.  I’d love to my child to one.  I’d love to be able to meet other parents, new parents, where I could exchange ideas with them and learn new parenting skills (rather than staying home and Googling).  But everything out there focuses on pelvic floor exercises and other things related to giving birth (so what if there is a stay-at-home dad?  Do those exercises really apply to him?).  I get that this is targeting the majority, but I also want to feel comfortable and accepted rather than being an “other” in a group of new moms.  And the fact that I won’t be able to breastfeed if I have a child (I have heard about “adoptive breast feeding” protocols, but frankly, they all scare me and being on medication just doesn’t seem like even THAT is a good idea) may lead to judgment and criticism from others.  I’m not alone in this.  Adoptive parents, like those who have had kids via surrogacy, can experience this as well.  Only gay dads are exempt.

I think it’s time people start opening up their minds and realize there are more ways to start a family than the “old fashioned” way.  And, be realistic about it.  I feel that people say it’s fine, but really, they don’t understand and don’t even try to.  It’s kind of like an “oh yeah, we’ll let you in.  However, what we do is for those of us who had ‘real’ babies.”  In other words, those of us who have been pregnant.  Of course, I shouldn’t speculate when I haven’t yet experienced it WITH a child.  However, having been in the adoption process, and then surrogacy since 2013, I have heard A GREAT DEAL.  And when I try to give my opinion on things, I am often dismissed.  As someone who will never have a child through pregnancy, my experiences are obviously going to be different from the majority, and that should be taken into consideration, even if I’m NOT the majority.

I would love to hear from other parents who have adopted, used a surrogate as well as the partner of female, same-sex couples who wasn’t pregnant (but is acting as the primary caregiver for the child).  What’s your experience?  Do you feel “left out” at times?  Do you feel that society is too “birth parent centric?”

Image By Biscotto87/Shutterstock

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BuzzFeed video featuring immigrant parents and their American-born (or raised) children on pursuing their dreams

I don’t really blame my parents.  I think they just wanted me to be successful, and they probably didn’t really understand the PR world too much at that time.  Now that I’m almost 40 (turning 39 in September), I’ve pretty much given up on a PR career.  Especially in fashion/beauty (because you age out of this.  At my age, you’re either already in, or you’re not.  If not, too bad.  You can’t change NOW).  In any case, I blogged in that world for a few years and never felt that I fit in.  I’m not exactly a super high maintenance sort.  I’ve never coloured my hair (unless you count spray painting for school spirit reasons) and rarely get manicures (I DO get pedicures somewhat frequently, especially in the summer).  My lipstick collection mostly fall in the “safe” colours – nudes, browns and berries, mostly lightweight/creams.  I’ve tried wearing bright red lipstick, but I’ve just never felt comfortable.  Must be all that conditioning at BSS (I mean, I was never, ever the one with uniform violations)!

The video above also discusses what the parents dreamed of doing.  Some of their stories sounded like dreams children often have, like being a firefighter or teacher – because those are the careers kids are exposed to at a young age.  So I’m not surprised that they mentioned them.  I’m also not too surprised at the fact that the parents ideas for their kids.  Many struggled to ensure their children had a comfortable, middle class style upbringing, and worked VERY HARD to do so.  Many worked long hours, whether in a restaurant or in white collar jobs.  While I wouldn’t say my parents “struggled,” – we always had a proper family dinner around 6-6:30 PM – they DID want the best for me.  And that included career choices.  PR just wasn’t an area where I could easily make six figures before the age of 30, unlike banking (anything STEM-related was out after I failed to take any advanced science courses in my final year of high school.  I did take math, so to them, finance was STILL an option).

As for what I’m doing now – I’m pretty happy with my current choice of working in the philanthropy world.  I want to make things better for others – it’s actually one of the reasons why I joined Brownies and Guides as a child and the Junior League as an adult (notice that all three organizations are female-only).  And unlike a decade ago, when I wanted to work in PR, my parents are perfectly fine, even encouraging me in my career.  They really love the idea that I’m helping to improve society.  I think my work with Healthy Minds Canada’s discussion on mental health in East Asian communities really contributed to them changing their minds.  And in the future?  Who knows?  I’m going to continue to write, but my main focus will be related to philanthropy and improving lives of others.

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