As you probably know, I’m expecting, but I’m not pregnant. I’m not adopting, either. I’m having a baby through surrogacy and I’ve found it to be very lonely at times. Many people don’t seem to understand the concept (I mean, they DO, but they find it…a bit odd, especially when it comes to the actual experience) – especially when you’re part of a heterosexual couple. Yes, there are elements which aren’t too different from those who are trying to get pregnant as a couple through ART (assisted reproduction technology – IVF or IUI, for example), but when you’re not the one carrying the fetus, it’s just…different.
An awaiting/intended parent can sometimes feel like the red playing piece
Sometimes, I feel weird going into baby stores, looking for items. Salespeople just assume I’m looking for someone else, so they ask if that person was registered with the store. Ummmm, my husband and I are the ones who registered there (not all of them, we only have one “real” registry. The other is a third party site where you can add items from different stores). While most salespeople don’t actually roll their eyes or look surprised, you can tell they find it strange. I mean, I’m not pregnant. It’s to the point that sometimes, I first say that I’m adopting – especially around people over a certain age or from certain cultures.
Then there’s the mental health aspect. I’ve been trying to find post-partum/post delivery programs, ones which are inclusive to those who were not pregnant. They’re hard to find – even “virtual” ones on Facebook (the ones I’ve found are mostly for people who are waiting their child(ren)’s birth as well as those who are still trying. I’d like to find ones for those who have already had their kids). Sometimes, you just want to talk or share experiences. I mean, you CAN with people who didn’t go through the same thing, but it’s often hard for them to understand. Like the pressures to breastfeed. I’m not going to be able to do that (yes, I know all about “adoptive breastfeeding,” but I’m not going there due to my medical condition. A medical condition on my part is the reason why we didn’t even consider pregnancy in the first place). And most post-partum programs talk about changes with hormones on the mother’s part (or getting back in shape). My hormones aren’t experiencing a sudden change like that of a woman who went through pregnancy. However, the stresses of parenting, especially for the first time, could be there (see my piece on “birth parent privilege“).
I’m not saying that I WILL experience them, but it would be nice if I (or my husband, for that matter) could speak with someone who understands. It doesn’t have to be a professional, but some guidance on WHERE to find such groups to share these experiences would be very helpful – especially for after the birth. I’d like to speak with people who have had similar experiences (yes, I realize parenting is parenting, but I don’t want to hear that I’m “lucky” because I don’t have to deal with lactation or hormonal issues. And being into fitness, I’ve found that all the mom and baby programs focus on post-birth issues (rightly so), so they’re OBVIOUSLY not for me). I just kind of feel…left out at times.
Image credit: Tero Vesalainen/Shutterstock
