WTF, world? Over a period of two days last week, I was called several names over social media. Sure, they were political posts, but really? On a post regarding Hong Kong’s security, one dude even asked me if I was “legitimate.” Do people even use that (being “illegitimate”) to refer to children born to unmarried women anymore? Must be some old Chinese dude (he had a Chinese last name). Funny that he’s pro-mainland, because he’s a) on Facebook and b) uses a “western” first name (all I’ll say is that the name is “Biblical”). I didn’t call him out for his name, but I did on the former – why is he using a platform that’s BANNED in mainland China? Hmmmmm……. (I should have “okay, Gung Gung’d” him (ie “okay, Boomer/Grandpa”)!
That wasn’t the only situation. Just a day after the Ramble incident, I noted that I wasn’t a fan of people using the term “Karen” – I said it was sexist, and that in my experience, the worst girls/women weren’t white, but East Asian. They don’t necessarily freak out, but they definitely shame people, especially those of a similar cultural background for not following the culture to a “t” – even if they themselves don’t speak their heritage language fluently (not too different from the pro CCP guy above, right?). In high school, a girl called me a “white girl wannabe,” (was it country music (which wasn’t “typical” of a Toronto girl of ANY ethnicity)? That I was clueless of HK popstars? (I was clueless about non-Asian, non-country musicians as well – save for, say, Alanis or Sarah McLachlan)) and to this day, I worry about what I do/whether I’m “presenting myself” properly. I like being myself. I like being that kale and quinoa eating chick who goes to Pilates, yoga and barre (and being “that chick at Whole Foods” – okay…I don’t do green juices much. I prefer to eat, not drink my salad). However, a few years ago, after asking my cousin about barre classes in Hong Kong, she told me that it was “mostly expats” who took it. While an “expat” would include Asians from other parts of the world, I couldn’t help wondering if she meant “white women.” So despite being Canadian, am I not “honouring” my heritage anymore? Am I doing something wrong because I can’t/don’t make dumplings and have bastardized mooncakes (see my recipe here)? In any case, some people who replied basically accused me of making the situation “worse,” when I was really just giving my own opinion. There are other terms one can use to describe women – people, for that matter – like that (such as “over-privileged brat” – I’ve been called that a few times by some bloggers). Just don’t use someone’s given name.
I’ve also faced some criticism from adoption groups I used to follow. Back when my husband and I were looking to adopt internationally, I tried giving my personal opinion, based on experience, on how to deal with teaching their children about their ancestral cultures. I suggested that it would be nice to find an “uncle” or “auntie” of some sort, someone who was from that culture, BUT was raised in the country they reside. It would be better than, say, immersing them from the perspective of someone who spent their childhood in another country – it’s more realistic this way. I also discussed my experiences growing up (ranging from Chinese school to bullying from people of my ancestral culture, etc…). They just said that things were “different” for me because I actually had parents from that culture. Sure, that’s true, but using books about a certain culture to teach them isn’t the only way. I’ve purchased books myself, for my son, but I’ve found that many are, well…lame. They don’t reflect me. Then there’s virtually ZERO discussion on the situations like the ones I’ve experienced. In fact, they either ignored or dismissed my perspective. Keep in mind that most of these parents have families who’ve been in their respective countries for generations. It’s rare to hear from someone who is either an immigrant, child or grandchild of immigrants. I also didn’t hear many who were from one immigrant (especially non-European) culture and adopting a child from another. How did THEIR parents feel about them adopting? Did they comment or criticize them for teaching their kids about their birth heritages?
Shaming doesn’t just come from strangers or peers. I’m often feeling it from family, especially when it comes to how I’m raising Jr. Mintz. i’d like him to be more plant-based like me, but NOOOOO, I’m getting comments from family, more or less implying that I’m starving him. Sure, he’s thin for his height range, but eating lentils and quinoa as a meal doesn’t make me a bad mom. I get mom-shaming is a different category altogether, but I can’t help but feel that they really mean “why aren’t you giving him congee and the types of foods you had when you were his age?” Someone on a Facebook group recently asked if these family members thought I was losing touch with my heritage/not raising him in “the culture.” I thought about it, and it could very well be. But my culture isn’t really THEIR culture. I was born and raised in Toronto, so my “culture” is influenced by a variety of different ethnicities. And I know that other CBCs don’t exactly give their kids the same types of foods they grew up with either.
The food-related issue sometimes comes from all the comments about cultural appropriation. I’m known to bastardize dishes, to the point that I worry I’m appropriating my ancestral origin! I know that I can’t really call, say, my pumpkin mooncakes, “Chinese” – it clearly ISN’T! But is it Chinese-inspired? Fusion? Or do I have to call it “Jook-sing?” Some of my staple dishes also include baked tofu with mozzarella and tomato sauce as well as fried quinoa. Okay, the latter is pretty standard to many people, so it’s probably not much of an issue…..
My experiences of having been shamed is one of the reasons why I tend to avoid diversity talks. The people who lead these conversations are usually the MOST GUILTY of not taking into account my experiences. They’re the ones who are most likely to dismiss them and even tell me that it’s “all in your head.” Do they realize how that can make another person feel? Have THEY never faced this? And don’t even get me started on size shaming. Ugh…..let’s just say it sucks to be tiny, too. This kind of toxicity has to stop and we need to allow voices like mine out as well. Want to end discrimination of all kind? Well, start here. Start by listening to EVERYONE. Including people like me. It lessens the stress. Everyone’s mental health isn’t exactly that great right now anyway.
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